Mr. Shark offers his advice on being a bad-ass

Dear Mr. Shark,

As you can see from my neck, I’m already criminally bad-ass.  But I was wondering if you had any advice on how to become even bad-assier.  Shit like having razor sharp teeth, and never sleeping or blinking.  Can I get your help with that?

Sincerely,

Mr. Neard


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Dear Mr. Neard,

For the first time in my life I’m feeling an emotion other than pure bloodlust.  I think you humans might call it “jealousy.” What you have there on your neck is a thing of beauty.  Like fornication in follicle form…something I do while swimming, which I agree, is pretty baller.  But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something by being a completely aero-dynamic hairless killing machine with no discernable neck.  The neck beard is the one thing nature forgot when constructing the ocean’s deadliest predator.

I really have no advice for you other than to keep doing what you’re doing.  And maybe use a metal file to sharpen your teeth. Even if it doesn’t help you hunt seals, it will still look pretty bad-ass while you’re doing it.

Respectfully,

Mr. Shark

Neards through the years part 2

 

"The hair has become so coarse it can only be groomed with the finest LARPing sword."

 "I fancy myself the male Lady Godiva, and ride my stallion through the streets clothed only in long, lustrous, neck hair."

 "My other car is a gondola."

 "People call me the muffin man because I just LOVE muffins! Blueberry muffins, banana nut muffins, chocolate muffins, I've never met a muffin I didn't like.  On the weekends I make big baskets of muffins and decorate the baskets with lots of ribbons and lace and other kinds of sadness."

"I'm a bartender at TGI Fridays, but I'm also the lead singer of a sweet Korn coverband called Corn."

"I'm the lead singer of a Corn coverband called Wheat."

Neards through the years - a look back at an awesome look

I used to think neck beards were awesome. Then I forgot about it.  Then I remembered again.....

"I've explored all kinds of distant lands and shit. Once on an island in the South Pacific, I mated with the great Kimodo dragon. It was glorious."

"A rag soaked in ether used to be the only way I could lure a wench into my night chambers, but not anymore...This shit's a straight-up pantaloon-dropper."

 "During the day I usually just stand in front of this marble wall in my vest and blouse.  But at night I Riverdance naked in front of my open window before crowds of salivating women"

 "The piece behind me, entitled Americana in Winter, is well-known among the Motel Art elite.  It was painted exclusively with neck hair bristled brushes, and took me 7 years to complete."

 "Every night in my basement my friends an I re-enact 1988's fantasy hit Willow.  And when I say friends I'm referring to my beanie baby collection."

"50% gnome. 100% man."