Monday, May 20, 2013

Fake tour of Australia

Welcome to Australia, a country full of wombats and lies. 

(Pronounced: Pughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhth)

With cell phone towers as far as the eye can see, Perth is known by locals as "the city of angels." Look closely, and you'll see mutant animals murdering tourists all over the city, and the site of the world's first Taco Bell. 


Judgmental, curious and generally "over it," the roo-roo is Australia's longest species. Roo-roos have a pouch on their belly which they use to store sundry items like car keys, chapstick and full-grown humans. Certain boring roos can go on for hours and hours about which pouch they'd like to buy at the expensive pouch store. 

Cashed-up bogans

Australia's reluctant state bird. When it was announced, they got all weird about it. Lives in the brush, feeds on souls. 

Mount Pointy

The largest roller skating rink in the southern hemisphere and world. Available for birthday pizza parties 365 days of the year. The infamous Mount Pointy Pizza Party Package consistently receives four stars on Yelp, despite frequent complaints that the pizza "tastes like throw-up." 


Another Australian bird that nobody cares about. Shows dominance by eating a banana every morning while making uncomfortable eye-contact. Known for it's distinctive mating call, which almost perfectly mimics the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba. 

Bay of Pain

One of those cliche oceans with a lot of water in it. Full of surfers and docile creatures known as "sharky-warkys," a slender, pant-wearing fish that will happily do your taxes and occasionally bite your face off. 




A pest that ravages crops and always talks loudly on its cell phone in grocery store check-out lines. Can easily be killed with poison, guns or difficult sudoku puzzles. Turn-ons: pencil-thin mustaches, fear. Turn-offs: orange. 

(Pronounced: guhhhhhhhhhnats)

Looks like a kangaroo but isn't, the nat is a non-native plant which first arrived in the country after accidentally being flushed down an airplane toilet. Hates most types of salmon, but always insists on ordering it at restaurants. Wears friendship bracelets. Lays eggs (but only for fun).