Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Creeper 102 - How to creep out people in your new office

I'm moving to San Francisco to start a new job, which is exciting, mainly because it will provide an entire office full of new people to creep out. Here are a few ideas:

Creeper 102: How to creep out people in your new office 

Steal all pictures of coworker’s children and replace them with pictures of you as an infant. 

Display the stolen children’s pictures at your desk. If confronted, claim that they are your children and provide handwritten birth certificates as “legal documentation.” 

Write “mother’s breast milk” onto the side of a milk jug and bring it to work. Let coworkers see you pour it into your cereal.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire desk.

If you ever hear anyone complaining about a computer problem, yell out “I can fix that” and run over to their desk. Then proceed to lick their computer screen for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire art director.

On “bring your daughter to work day,” bring six female cats.

Every time you send someone an email, immediately walk over to that person’s desk and let them know you have sent them an email. Then proceed to elaborate on the contents of that email. This isn’t necessarily creepy, but it is annoying.

If a coworker ever attempts to shake your hand or give you a high-five, yell “RAPE.”

When being introduced to a new client, kiss them on the forehead like you would a child, then immediately punch them in the stomach.

Every night, leave a plate of cookies on your desk along with a Christmas list addressed to Santa. Include things like waterproof tarps, rope and odorless poisons on your list.

Take your clothes off in the bathroom and place them in the toilet. Tell people who enter the bathroom that you are “just doing your laundry.”  If questioned, bite.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Welcome to our Bed and Breakfast

Welcome to our Bed and Breakfast

Whether you’re planning a romantic getaway, hunting for antique treasures, seeking casual, forgettable sex, or simply looking for a secluded place to die, Hal and Judy’s “Angel Escape” Bed and Breakfast provides the peaceful and isolated atmosphere you’re looking for.

Originally built as a barn, “Angel Escape” was converted into a slaughterhouse, then a hat factory, only to revert back to a slaughter barn before being renovated last year into an original 19th century Victorian home. All of our six livable rooms overlook a vast backyard where groves of hundred year old oak trees and the occasional wandering schizophrenic whisper of the rich history that this grand old home has seen. We often wonder “if these walls could talk,” so as a precaution we’ve had them muzzled.

Inside, you’ll find our virtually bed-bug free accommodations have been appointed with your comfort and pleasure in mind, featuring pillow-topped toilet seats, antique bed linens, numerous felines and private bathrooms monitored by the most state-of-the-art surveillance technology.

Awake each morning to the aroma of freshly ground coffee as Judy prepares a gourmet breakfast wearing your choice of flimsy nightgown or latex body sleeve. Enjoy your meal nude by candlelight in our formal dining hall or choose a bright start to the day in our cheerful crawl space/sex dungeon.

Walk outside and get some exercise on our bicycle and running path (formerly and currently the train track), or wander leisurely along the meandering stream that borders our property. And don’t hesitate to take advantage of the convenient drowning ponds should any of your room’s complimentary cats become bothersome.

But our grounds aren’t all that “Angel Escape” has to offer. After just a few hours downtown you’ll understand why we’re consistently cited in travel books as “mediocre at best,” ”pretty unnerving” and “not anywhere I’d go on purpose.” Take a stroll down the bone-cobbled sidewalks and you’ll be greeted with no shortage of friendly smiles and limp handshakes. Step inside one of the many walnut bowl outlets that line the streets and pick up a cutting board or well, a walnut bowl, just like they made in the Old Country.

And don’t forget to set aside some time to tour our many popular historic attractions like the abandoned mine shaft or exploding table saw factory, where our founding citizens earned both their livelihood and violent, untimely deaths.  Be sure to visit the gift shop where you’ll find authentic fingers, legs, and other unidentifiable appendages which make the most unique souvenirs and delicious soup bases for that special someone back home.

After a long day, take a load off in one of our many watering holes where you’ll meet charming townsfolk and a dizzying array of sexually agnostic, Paraguayan prostitutes who will smile at you as if to say “you like what you see, large man?” Order a round of our local turpentine-based spirits and you'll more than likely find yourself hallucinating in the company of skilled hot air balloonists, toasting to the relaxed local quail hunting laws. But the night’s not over yet. Stop by one of our all-night gambling arenas and place a bet on your favorite dismembered ex-factory or mine worker who will fight to the death for your amusement.

Feel free to stay out and enjoy all the nightlife has to offer, but don’t be surprised when you find yourself waking up next to a stranger, specifically our 40-year-old son Timothy, who frequently climbs into other people’s beds late at night. While he tends to stare with his remaining good eye, and has been known to bite with his remaining tooth, he’s otherwise harmless. And don’t worry, no extra charge if he wets the bed.

Reservations for “Angel Escape” can be made online. Please make all payments in unmarked, pre-laundered American or Paraguayan currency.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Paleo Exercise Program

Have you ever wandered around the Paleolithic man exhibit at the natural history museum, only to find yourself completely aroused? Of course you have. In fact, one out of four museum curators have been caught engaged in illicit trysts with the mannequins in this particular section. Because beneath all of their thick, parasite-infested body hair, Paleo man was sporting killer abs, toned triceps, and bulging latissimus dorsals that could make you almost forget their horrible mouth-breathing and wet elk smell.

Now, you too can be pelt-bikini ready in no time by following the Paleo exercise program. Much like the popular Paleo diet, where people only eat rocks and raw animals, the Paleo exercise program is based on adjusting your routine to incorporate only the exercises that cavemen used to do millions of years ago. Specifically:

Paleolithic man was notorious for stalking herds of migratory animals for extended periods of time, which was not only pervy, but also a great cardio workout.  Today, the same results can be achieved by following a family of four around Super Walmart for 6-8 months. For added intensity, anger the bulkiest member of the herd by stealing its deeply discounted ham or taking the last DVD of the new Twilight movie even though there’s a huge line of people who’ve been waiting for it all night and you haven’t even read the books.

If you prefer to walk indoors or are stricken with exercise-induced agoraphobia, the treadmill can also be adapted to fit the Paleo regimen. To warm-up, start pressing the blinking treadmill buttons with childlike curiosity. When the treadmill unexpectedly begins to move, allow your primal fear of the unknown to take hold, and spend the remaining 29 minutes of your workout screaming and bludgeoning the scary machine with a comically oversized wooden club. Cool down curled up in the fetal position near the edge of the treadmill, shaking and crying for another 30 minutes.  Urinate on legs to protect yourself from wandering predators.

Just like us, Paleolithic man loved yoga. Zen and false elitism were were the only ways these person-like creatures had to cope with the fact that they lived in boring caves and were too stupid to invent television. Unlike us however, Paleo man didn’t have calm, soothing rooms with incense and dripping water noises to practice yoga in, so to make your current routine Paleo-friendly, practice in a more dangerous location, like a dark alley or prison. Dodging a homemade shiv or dirty heroin needle while holding the downward dog pose almost perfectly mimics dodging the sharp beak of an attacking pterodactyl, and also strengthens all of the same major muscle and fear groups. (Note: Practicing Paleo yoga poses a moderate to high risk of contracting Hepatitis. Please consult your physician before beginning this or any other exercise regimen.)

Swimming (N/A):
Since Paleolithic man dissolved completely in water, swimming should not be included in the Paleo exercise regimen.

Unlike meatheads of today, Paleolithic man didn’t just lift heavy stones while watching their muscles in mirrors. They threw them at danger. To adapt this theory to your own weight-lifting routine, simply pick up the heaviest weight you can find and throw it at the largest, most mammoth-like person at the gym. You can also target that guy who’s been talking on his cell phone on the elliptical machine for like 45 minutes, even though there’s a sign that clearly states “Please only use cardio equipment for 30 minutes during peak hours.”  For an added cardio boost, attempt to evade this now angry person’s retaliation, or alternately, sprint away from the now dead body. (Note: Paleo weight-lifting poses a high to definite risk of aggravated assault, murder, significant jail time, and execution in death penalty states. Please consult your physician before beginning this or any other exercise program.)

After you’ve successfully completed your Paleo workout, feel free to treat yourself to one of the many succulent desserts included in the Paleo Diet, like a saber-toothed-tiger-milk ice cream cone (regular cat milk can be substituted), or if you prefer comfort food, the still-beating heart of a bird of prey or neighbor’s pet parrot. But don’t even think about feeling guilty about it. You’ve earned those calories!