Monday, October 20, 2014

If I had a bunch of dummies

Sometimes life hands you a bunch of dummies, but why, who knows?

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d set them up on blind dates with internet strangers and then after the people felt a real connection and fell in love and had two beautiful children and then found out 50 years later that their spouse had been a stupid dummy this whole time I’d be all like “hahaha who's the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d make them judges on Dancing with the Stars and then after weeks of grueling practice and constructive criticism and personal growth and emotional breakdowns the stars would realize the judges haven’t known anything about dancing this whole time because they’re just a bunch of stupid dummies and I’d be all like "hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d get them a table at the fanciest restaurant and the waitress would be all stressed out because they’d probably all want separate checks but then she’d realize that they were just a bunch of stupid dummies who didn’t even have bank accounts and I’d be all like “hahaha who's the dummy now?” 

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d get them a gig with a band that has a million members like Arcade Fire and I’d give them weird instruments to play like the wood block or the dustpan or the palm frond or the sponge and then when they got on stage Arcade Fire would be like “these are just of bunch of stupid dummies with no musical talent” and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d put them on the backseats of tandem bicycles and the person in the front would be all like “man this is exhausting I feel like I’m pulling all the weight here” and then he’d turn around and see that his tandem partner was just a stupid dummy this whole time and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d set them up in an empty loft space in front of a a bunch of computers, then I’d invite some wealthy investors over for a tour and after they’d invested millions in my new start-up they’d find out it wasn’t a business at all it’s just a building full of stupid dummies who didn’t even get an MBA from Stanford and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?"

If I had a bunch of dummies I'd wonder why life had handed me so many dummies and assume I was supposed to make lemonade out of them but then after hours and hours of "fruit"less squeezing I'd realize that dummy juice tastes terrible and then I'd look in the mirror at my own reflection and be all like "hahaha who's the dummy now?"

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Washinator 3000

Would you like to “wash away” those bored feelings you feel while washing your clothes? Has the once thrilling task of putting wet clothing in the dryer become “dry?”  Are you ready to open side-by-side, front-loading doors to a whole new world of laundry, and laundry-themed wordplay?  Then you might be ready for the “Washinator 3000,” a revolutionary new washer/dryer experience that won’t just take a “load” off in the laundry room, but can also easily manage many of the roles and responsibilities that make you feel like a valued member of your family. The new Washinator’s features include:

Looking good! More than just the standard white box, the Washinator is available in an array of bold colors you’ve never been brave enough to wear yourself, and features a sleek, elegant design inspired by the graceful curves of a woman much thinner than you. We guarantee you and your family won’t see the Washinator as just another appliance, but as a conversation piece your husband will look at in a way he hasn’t looked at you in years.

Size Matters! Now you can enjoy the value and quality of a premium washer/dryer no matter how much space you have. The compact, efficiently designed Washinator is even small enough to fit comfortably on your side of the bed.

Peace and Quiet! Thanks to the Washinator’s deathly quiet operation, chances are you’ll never notice when your washer/dryer is running, sneaking up on you, or watching you and your husband sleep. In fact, its quiet technology is so pervasive, it not only silences the spin cycle, but also that suspicious little voice in your head warning you not to trust your new washer/dryer set.

Set and Forget!  All of the Washinator’s wash and dry settings are pre-programmable, so you can rest easy knowing your washer/dryer will continue to take care of your family’s laundry needs long after you’re gone and forgotten.

Sense-o-Clean!  The Washinator’s unique sensory system automatically tracks your movements, behaviors, speech patterns and thoughts in order to fully understand how your clothes get dirty in the first place. It then uses this information to prevent these messes from ever happening again, by any means necessary. And we mean any means.

Some like it hot! The state-of-the-art Washinator heats water up to 900 deg. F, hot enough to remove even the toughest stains and skin. As an added bonus, it’s also able to handle large-scale messes like whole chocolate bars, bottles of wine, and excessive amounts of blood, like the amount you might lose if your body were pinned for several hours beneath a 2 ton washer/dryer set that's covered in spikes for some reason.

Settings galore! In addition to the dryer’s standard high and low heat settings, we’ve also included a setting calibrated to the exact temperature of mother’s love, perfect for delicates and swaddling your children in the warmth you’ll occasionally be too busy or dead to provide.

Dry-fi! There’s no need to disconnect from the cyber-world just because you’re doing laundry. The Washinator now features wi-fi enabled flatscreens that allow you to update all of your social media outlets with positive, brand-affirming messages like “My new Washinator 3000 makes laundry so fun!” or crazy, ridiculous things no one will ever believe like “My new washer/dryer has seduced my husband and turned my whole family against me. I fear for my life. Please send help.”

Never say die! We confidently back the Washinator with a lifetime guarantee. Technically the warrantee only spans 5 years, but so far this has proven to more than cover our average customer’s lifespan.