Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hospital Fun

So I went to a hospital the other day to do some research for this work thing. It was ok, but I have a few ideas on how to make it more fun if you ever happen to find yourself on a hospital tour:

Visit the plastic surgery wing. Ask the surgeon what he/she thinks would look best with your bone structure...one large breast implant in between your shoulder blades, or 4 smaller ones implanted beneath your existing set to make it look like an udder.

Find a medical waste container and play a lighthearted game of syringe toss. First one to get Hepatitis wins.

Shock surgeons with defibrillator paddles while they're working so they feel more like they're playing the game Operation instead of just doing boring surgery.

Steal a bag of blood from the blood bank and put it in a friend's chair when they're not looking. It's just like a whoopie cushion, except with a bag of blood.

Go to the hospital cafeteria for lunch and order a tumor, medium-rare. If they say they don't serve tumor, wink and ask for it well-done.

Put a diaper on a ham and bring it up to the maternity ward. Ask the nurses if they have any advice on how to breastfeed it.

Afterwards, throw your diapered ham at the first male doctor you see and accuse him of being the father.

Take an arm or leg from the amputated limb bin. On your way home, stick it out of the trunk of a friend's car, then call the police and report a suspicious driver. Sit back and watch the zany hijinks ensue. 

or try and recreate this amazing scene:

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Creeper 102 - How to creep out people in your new office

I'm moving to San Francisco to start a new job, which is exciting, mainly because it will provide an entire office full of new people to creep out. Here are a few ideas:

Creeper 102: How to creep out people in your new office 

Steal all pictures of coworker’s children and replace them with pictures of you as an infant. 

Display the stolen children’s pictures at your desk. If confronted, claim that they are your children and provide handwritten birth certificates as “legal documentation.” 

Write “mother’s breast milk” onto the side of a milk jug and bring it to work. Let coworkers see you pour it into your cereal.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire desk.

If you ever hear anyone complaining about a computer problem, yell out “I can fix that” and run over to their desk. Then proceed to lick their computer screen for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire art director.

On “bring your daughter to work day,” bring six female cats.

Every time you send someone an email, immediately walk over to that person’s desk and let them know you have sent them an email. Then proceed to elaborate on the contents of that email. This isn’t necessarily creepy, but it is annoying.

If a coworker ever attempts to shake your hand or give you a high-five, yell “RAPE.”

When being introduced to a new client, kiss them on the forehead like you would a child, then immediately punch them in the stomach.

Every night, leave a plate of cookies on your desk along with a Christmas list addressed to Santa. Include things like waterproof tarps, rope and odorless poisons on your list.

Take your clothes off in the bathroom and place them in the toilet. Tell people who enter the bathroom that you are “just doing your laundry.”  If questioned, bite.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Welcome to our Bed and Breakfast

Welcome to our Bed and Breakfast

Whether you’re planning a romantic getaway, hunting for antique treasures, seeking casual, forgettable sex, or simply looking for a secluded place to die, Hal and Judy’s “Angel Escape” Bed and Breakfast provides the peaceful and isolated atmosphere you’re looking for.

Originally built as a barn, “Angel Escape” was converted into a slaughterhouse, then a hat factory, only to revert back to a slaughter barn before being renovated last year into an original 19th century Victorian home. All of our six livable rooms overlook a vast backyard where groves of hundred year old oak trees and the occasional wandering schizophrenic whisper of the rich history that this grand old home has seen. We often wonder “if these walls could talk,” so as a precaution we’ve had them muzzled.

Inside, you’ll find our virtually bed-bug free accommodations have been appointed with your comfort and pleasure in mind, featuring pillow-topped toilet seats, antique bed linens, numerous felines and private bathrooms monitored by the most state-of-the-art surveillance technology.

Awake each morning to the aroma of freshly ground coffee as Judy prepares a gourmet breakfast wearing your choice of flimsy nightgown or latex body sleeve. Enjoy your meal nude by candlelight in our formal dining hall or choose a bright start to the day in our cheerful crawl space/sex dungeon.

Walk outside and get some exercise on our bicycle and running path (formerly and currently the train track), or wander leisurely along the meandering stream that borders our property. And don’t hesitate to take advantage of the convenient drowning ponds should any of your room’s complimentary cats become bothersome.

But our grounds aren’t all that “Angel Escape” has to offer. After just a few hours downtown you’ll understand why we’re consistently cited in travel books as “mediocre at best,” ”pretty unnerving” and “not anywhere I’d go on purpose.” Take a stroll down the bone-cobbled sidewalks and you’ll be greeted with no shortage of friendly smiles and limp handshakes. Step inside one of the many walnut bowl outlets that line the streets and pick up a cutting board or well, a walnut bowl, just like they made in the Old Country.

And don’t forget to set aside some time to tour our many popular historic attractions like the abandoned mine shaft or exploding table saw factory, where our founding citizens earned both their livelihood and violent, untimely deaths.  Be sure to visit the gift shop where you’ll find authentic fingers, legs, and other unidentifiable appendages which make the most unique souvenirs and delicious soup bases for that special someone back home.

After a long day, take a load off in one of our many watering holes where you’ll meet charming townsfolk and a dizzying array of sexually agnostic, Paraguayan prostitutes who will smile at you as if to say “you like what you see, large man?” Order a round of our local turpentine-based spirits and you'll more than likely find yourself hallucinating in the company of skilled hot air balloonists, toasting to the relaxed local quail hunting laws. But the night’s not over yet. Stop by one of our all-night gambling arenas and place a bet on your favorite dismembered ex-factory or mine worker who will fight to the death for your amusement.

Feel free to stay out and enjoy all the nightlife has to offer, but don’t be surprised when you find yourself waking up next to a stranger, specifically our 40-year-old son Timothy, who frequently climbs into other people’s beds late at night. While he tends to stare with his remaining good eye, and has been known to bite with his remaining tooth, he’s otherwise harmless. And don’t worry, no extra charge if he wets the bed.

Reservations for “Angel Escape” can be made online. Please make all payments in unmarked, pre-laundered American or Paraguayan currency.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Paleo Exercise Program

Have you ever wandered around the Paleolithic man exhibit at the natural history museum, only to find yourself completely aroused? Of course you have. In fact, one out of four museum curators have been caught engaged in illicit trysts with the mannequins in this particular section. Because beneath all of their thick, parasite-infested body hair, Paleo man was sporting killer abs, toned triceps, and bulging latissimus dorsals that could make you almost forget their horrible mouth-breathing and wet elk smell.

Now, you too can be pelt-bikini ready in no time by following the Paleo exercise program. Much like the popular Paleo diet, where people only eat rocks and raw animals, the Paleo exercise program is based on adjusting your routine to incorporate only the exercises that cavemen used to do millions of years ago. Specifically:

Paleolithic man was notorious for stalking herds of migratory animals for extended periods of time, which was not only pervy, but also a great cardio workout.  Today, the same results can be achieved by following a family of four around Super Walmart for 6-8 months. For added intensity, anger the bulkiest member of the herd by stealing its deeply discounted ham or taking the last DVD of the new Twilight movie even though there’s a huge line of people who’ve been waiting for it all night and you haven’t even read the books.

If you prefer to walk indoors or are stricken with exercise-induced agoraphobia, the treadmill can also be adapted to fit the Paleo regimen. To warm-up, start pressing the blinking treadmill buttons with childlike curiosity. When the treadmill unexpectedly begins to move, allow your primal fear of the unknown to take hold, and spend the remaining 29 minutes of your workout screaming and bludgeoning the scary machine with a comically oversized wooden club. Cool down curled up in the fetal position near the edge of the treadmill, shaking and crying for another 30 minutes.  Urinate on legs to protect yourself from wandering predators.

Just like us, Paleolithic man loved yoga. Zen and false elitism were were the only ways these person-like creatures had to cope with the fact that they lived in boring caves and were too stupid to invent television. Unlike us however, Paleo man didn’t have calm, soothing rooms with incense and dripping water noises to practice yoga in, so to make your current routine Paleo-friendly, practice in a more dangerous location, like a dark alley or prison. Dodging a homemade shiv or dirty heroin needle while holding the downward dog pose almost perfectly mimics dodging the sharp beak of an attacking pterodactyl, and also strengthens all of the same major muscle and fear groups. (Note: Practicing Paleo yoga poses a moderate to high risk of contracting Hepatitis. Please consult your physician before beginning this or any other exercise regimen.)

Swimming (N/A):
Since Paleolithic man dissolved completely in water, swimming should not be included in the Paleo exercise regimen.

Unlike meatheads of today, Paleolithic man didn’t just lift heavy stones while watching their muscles in mirrors. They threw them at danger. To adapt this theory to your own weight-lifting routine, simply pick up the heaviest weight you can find and throw it at the largest, most mammoth-like person at the gym. You can also target that guy who’s been talking on his cell phone on the elliptical machine for like 45 minutes, even though there’s a sign that clearly states “Please only use cardio equipment for 30 minutes during peak hours.”  For an added cardio boost, attempt to evade this now angry person’s retaliation, or alternately, sprint away from the now dead body. (Note: Paleo weight-lifting poses a high to definite risk of aggravated assault, murder, significant jail time, and execution in death penalty states. Please consult your physician before beginning this or any other exercise program.)

After you’ve successfully completed your Paleo workout, feel free to treat yourself to one of the many succulent desserts included in the Paleo Diet, like a saber-toothed-tiger-milk ice cream cone (regular cat milk can be substituted), or if you prefer comfort food, the still-beating heart of a bird of prey or neighbor’s pet parrot. But don’t even think about feeling guilty about it. You’ve earned those calories! 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Rejected Shiner names

We're working on a naming project for a new Shiner Wheat beer. The following names were rejected, despite obvious merit: 

Shiner Aggravated Reap

Shiner Reap Shed

Shiner Serial Reapist

Shiner Wheat Power

Shiner Wheat Supremacist

Shiner Walter Wheat

Shiner Limp Handshake

Shiner Hairless Pervert

Shiner Adult Tickle

Shiner Awkward Massage

Shiner Lazy Colon

Shiner Eyelid

Shiner Aggressive Tumor

Shiner Ingrown Toenail

Shiner Weeping Boil

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Back on Dynasty

I just started watching Dynasty again after about a year of not watching it..so far it has been the best decision I've made in about a year.

Things that are happening:

1. Krystle Jennings Carrington - the second wife of wealthy oil tycoon Blake Carrington

Krystle continues to be as interesting as a pencil while also resembling one physically. In fact, she could be replaced by an actual pencil in any given scene and the only difference you'd notice is that she's dressed in yellow more frequently. The pencil would always be wearing the same color head to toe though, so it wouldn't be much of a departure from her current character.


2. Mark Jennings - Krystle's recently introduced ex-husband

Alexis is stirring things up by bringing Krystle's ex-husband onto the scene to be the hotel's new tennis pro. He shows up sporting the fail-proof sexual formula of exposed chest hair and a mustache. So far he hasn't done anything terribly interesting besides making a mediocre attempt to get his old pencil-woman back with a stupid locket. I have high hopes for the future though...in the opening credits he is pictured rubbing a glass of red wine against an anonymous sexy leg.  It is only a matter of time before he and this leg engage in passionate lovemaking near a fireplace. 

3. Adam Carrington - the long-lost brother

My favorite new development is the introduction of Adam, the long lost Carrington brother who was stolen as a baby and is now evil for no apparent reason. He's only been in a couple of episodes and he's already kind of raped a woman and tried to kill a guy he just met by painting the walls of his office with poison-laced paint.

4. Alexis Carrington Colby - Blake Carrington's ex-wife

Alexis, as always, continues to be fabulous. I read a spoiler that in a couple of episodes there will be a catfight between her and Krystle in a lily pond. Can't wait for shit to get real.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

That new monkey is just Nicholas Cage

Scientists claim to have discovered a new species of monkey in the Congo. But when you take a closer look, it's easy to see that it's not a new monkey at all, it is just Nicholas Cage. 

The evidence is overwhelming: 

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Pugs on everything

I want science to invent these animals: 



Galapugos Tortise

Pugda Bear

Monday, July 9, 2012

Creeper 101

My roommate is moving out this month, and the new one is only going to be living here for 3 months. Since it's such a short time I figure I might as well see how much I can creep her out. Suggestions are welcome. Here are a few ideas my creep co-worker Derek and I have come up with:

Buy a bunch of books about menopause and lay them out as coffee table books.

Every day, yell at her from the shower asking her to get me a bar of soap.

Spell out her name in my hair on her soap.

Spell out my name in Noodle's hair on her pillow. 

Tell her I talked to her dad for a few hours on the phone, and that he's coming to stay for the weekend. After he was obviously not there, say we had a really good time. Do this every weekend.

Leave medicine bottles labeled "anti-suicide pills" laying around. Accuse her of taking them.

If she ever has friends over, shake their hands then kiss them directly on the mouth.

Stock the dvd shelf with with only copies of the movies "Beethoven," "Beethoven's 2nd," "Beethoven's 3rd," "Beethoven's 4th," "Beethoven's 5th," "Beethoven's Big Break," and "Beethoven's Christmas Adventure." Add one with a handwritten cover that says "Beethoven and Katie: coming soon."

Get a boombox. Play recordings of men loudly weeping every night before bed. If she asks about it, tell her it's one of those sound machines that helps you sleep.

Ask her if she'll be my surrogate over email. Tell her I've already talked to her dad about being the donor. If she brings it up in person act like she's crazy, but continue to follow-up via email.

Chew up any vegetables she buys and spit them back into the original containers.

Leave a bunch of to-do lists laying around that only say "Watch Beethoven 1-6" over and over.

Insist she take a pregnancy test every month. Say it's because the apartment is very picky about how many people are living here and that there have been issues in the past.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Evolution of man

Scientists are always trying to figure out how modern society evolved from early man. But it's pretty obvious how it happened: prehistoric life sucked and early man was over it.

"Nature is so boring. Let's go inside and do something cool like invent the parking ticket."

"Ugh, this prehistoric cat keeps eating our friends. Let's adopt a puggle instead."

"This cave is totally played out. Plus, someone drew stupid antelopes all over the walls. Let's move into a gated community."

"These mammoths smell like butts wrapped in wet sweaters. Let's invent Glade plug-ins that smell like fresh linens and other pleasant shit."

"Nah, we're cool bro, we had stick for lunch. We're gonna go hit up the Taco Bell."

Monday, June 25, 2012

Man Geddes

Remember that lady who use to shove babies into flower pots and take pictures of them? This is just like that, but with MEN.

I don't think these two are going to get along when they grow up, but they look totes adorbs here. 

Why buy cage-free eggs when you can get delicious Nicolas Cage eggs. 

I don't know that it's safe to put your baby on a pile of fiberglass insulation.

Every time a Gary Buseyangel screams, a pound of cocaine is born.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Mr. Shark offers summer fashion advice to Tits McGee

Hey Mr. Shark,
What kind of swimsuit do you think would make me look most appetizing on the beach?

Tits McGee


Dear Tits McGee,
First off, are you trying to be eaten, or is this some sort of lust thing? Pardon my confusion, I really only relate to bloodlust, not sexy-type lust. The stuff I do lasts like a minute tops. My species might even avoid the whole intercourse issue and just lay eggs or divide into pieces like a sponge…I’m not really sure. We usually don’t have much time for things that don’t involve smelling blood, maniacally tracking the source of blood, and devouring flesh that blood is seeping from.

Anywhooo, to answer your bathing suit question, I’d go for something that clings to the body and shows off your assets/allows you to swim rapidly and hunt prey. I’d also avoid anything with ruffles because they’ll make you look fat.

As for the color, I’d go with something close to the color of water so your victims don’t see you coming.  Something blue or grey or bluish grey works best…whatever is most flattering against your sleek, hairless, blue or grey or bluish grey skin.

Or if you plan on hiding in the sand to surprise your prey, there are also some good sand-colored options out there. I got a pretty cute one at Pacific Sunwear last weekend.  And yes, I realize that this store is on land. But remember, you’re taking fashion advice from an imaginary shark on a 30-year-old woman’s blog, so how I got a ride to the mall is probably one of the smaller plot holes in your life.

Anyway that’s what I’d recommend. And if you can’t find anything like I’ve described, just get something that makes your cans look good. 

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Monday, May 21, 2012

Salad pun lunch

Today me and some co-workers had lunch at this place called Leaf. The salad was ok, but the salad puns we came up with in line were exquisite.

This stock photo is entitled "Handsome young man eating a salad."

Here are the 10 best ones:
1. This line is unbeLEAFable.

2. They really need to hurry up, we can't ROMAINE here much longer.

3. Oh good, some vegeTABLES have opened up so we can sit down.

4.  I hope I don't VINAGRETTE my decision to eat here.

5. That was a really bad pun! CEASAR! (seize her)

6. Hey, do you think those people would LETTUCE cut in line?

7.  Man, it'll be a reLEAF when we finally order.

8. Ughhh this is taking so long I can feel myself cabbAGING.

9.  My brother hasn't woken up yet. He is in a coma...vegetable.

10. When we're done we're going to have to SPINACH back to the office.

Eventually, the staff and other patrons got so FED UP with our puns that we were TOSSED out.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

More fake animals

Sinead O'possum

Tony Hawktopus

SEAL Seal (I can't believe this isn't on the internet already)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Friday, February 10, 2012

more hathawaying and rumering

Rumered Buschemi...I don't think he looks all that much uglier than normal in either of these...
Hathawayed Buschemi

Rumered Brangelina...I wanted to destroy something beautiful.

Hathawayed Brangelina...not too shabby looking

Rumer Willising and Anne Hathawaying

When you look at pictures of Rumer Willis and Anne Hathaway, you start to notice something odd:

Rumer Willis - Too much face room

Anne Hathaway - Not enough face room

Let's see what happens when you apply this to other faces:

Rumered Bolton

Hathawayed Bolton
Rumered me
Hathawayed me