Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Mr. Shark offers summer fashion advice to Tits McGee

Hey Mr. Shark,
What kind of swimsuit do you think would make me look most appetizing on the beach?

Tits McGee


Dear Tits McGee,
First off, are you trying to be eaten, or is this some sort of lust thing? Pardon my confusion, I really only relate to bloodlust, not sexy-type lust. The stuff I do lasts like a minute tops. My species might even avoid the whole intercourse issue and just lay eggs or divide into pieces like a sponge…I’m not really sure. We usually don’t have much time for things that don’t involve smelling blood, maniacally tracking the source of blood, and devouring flesh that blood is seeping from.

Anywhooo, to answer your bathing suit question, I’d go for something that clings to the body and shows off your assets/allows you to swim rapidly and hunt prey. I’d also avoid anything with ruffles because they’ll make you look fat.

As for the color, I’d go with something close to the color of water so your victims don’t see you coming.  Something blue or grey or bluish grey works best…whatever is most flattering against your sleek, hairless, blue or grey or bluish grey skin.

Or if you plan on hiding in the sand to surprise your prey, there are also some good sand-colored options out there. I got a pretty cute one at Pacific Sunwear last weekend.  And yes, I realize that this store is on land. But remember, you’re taking fashion advice from an imaginary shark on a 30-year-old woman’s blog, so how I got a ride to the mall is probably one of the smaller plot holes in your life.

Anyway that’s what I’d recommend. And if you can’t find anything like I’ve described, just get something that makes your cans look good. 

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Monday, May 21, 2012

Salad pun lunch

Today me and some co-workers had lunch at this place called Leaf. The salad was ok, but the salad puns we came up with in line were exquisite.

This stock photo is entitled "Handsome young man eating a salad."

Here are the 10 best ones:
1. This line is unbeLEAFable.

2. They really need to hurry up, we can't ROMAINE here much longer.

3. Oh good, some vegeTABLES have opened up so we can sit down.

4.  I hope I don't VINAGRETTE my decision to eat here.

5. That was a really bad pun! CEASAR! (seize her)

6. Hey, do you think those people would LETTUCE cut in line?

7.  Man, it'll be a reLEAF when we finally order.

8. Ughhh this is taking so long I can feel myself cabbAGING.

9.  My brother hasn't woken up yet. He is in a coma...vegetable.

10. When we're done we're going to have to SPINACH back to the office.

Eventually, the staff and other patrons got so FED UP with our puns that we were TOSSED out.