Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Washinator 3000

Would you like to “wash away” those bored feelings you feel while washing your clothes? Has the once thrilling task of putting wet clothing in the dryer become “dry?”  Are you ready to open side-by-side, front-loading doors to a whole new world of laundry, and laundry-themed wordplay?  Then you might be ready for the “Washinator 3000,” a revolutionary new washer/dryer experience that won’t just take a “load” off in the laundry room, but can also easily manage many of the roles and responsibilities that make you feel like a valued member of your family. The new Washinator’s features include:

Looking good! More than just the standard white box, the Washinator is available in an array of bold colors you’ve never been brave enough to wear yourself, and features a sleek, elegant design inspired by the graceful curves of a woman much thinner than you. We guarantee you and your family won’t see the Washinator as just another appliance, but as a conversation piece your husband will look at in a way he hasn’t looked at you in years.

Size Matters! Now you can enjoy the value and quality of a premium washer/dryer no matter how much space you have. The compact, efficiently designed Washinator is even small enough to fit comfortably on your side of the bed.

Peace and Quiet! Thanks to the Washinator’s deathly quiet operation, chances are you’ll never notice when your washer/dryer is running, sneaking up on you, or watching you and your husband sleep. In fact, its quiet technology is so pervasive, it not only silences the spin cycle, but also that suspicious little voice in your head warning you not to trust your new washer/dryer set.

Set and Forget!  All of the Washinator’s wash and dry settings are pre-programmable, so you can rest easy knowing your washer/dryer will continue to take care of your family’s laundry needs long after you’re gone and forgotten.

Sense-o-Clean!  The Washinator’s unique sensory system automatically tracks your movements, behaviors, speech patterns and thoughts in order to fully understand how your clothes get dirty in the first place. It then uses this information to prevent these messes from ever happening again, by any means necessary. And we mean any means.

Some like it hot! The state-of-the-art Washinator heats water up to 900 deg. F, hot enough to remove even the toughest stains and skin. As an added bonus, it’s also able to handle large-scale messes like whole chocolate bars, bottles of wine, and excessive amounts of blood, like the amount you might lose if your body were pinned for several hours beneath a 2 ton washer/dryer set that's covered in spikes for some reason.

Settings galore! In addition to the dryer’s standard high and low heat settings, we’ve also included a setting calibrated to the exact temperature of mother’s love, perfect for delicates and swaddling your children in the warmth you’ll occasionally be too busy or dead to provide.

Dry-fi! There’s no need to disconnect from the cyber-world just because you’re doing laundry. The Washinator now features wi-fi enabled flatscreens that allow you to update all of your social media outlets with positive, brand-affirming messages like “My new Washinator 3000 makes laundry so fun!” or crazy, ridiculous things no one will ever believe like “My new washer/dryer has seduced my husband and turned my whole family against me. I fear for my life. Please send help.”

Never say die! We confidently back the Washinator with a lifetime guarantee. Technically the warrantee only spans 5 years, but so far this has proven to more than cover our average customer’s lifespan.

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