Monday, December 5, 2011

Mr. Shark has a conversation with Santa

Dear Mr. Shark,
What do you want for Christmas?

 - Santa

Oh hey Santa.

First of all, thank you for asking and not just assuming I'd want a reindeer. My mother got me one last year...I didn't have the heart to tell her, (I'm not even sure sharks have hearts) but I've never really liked them. The meat is pretty gamey, and the antlers scratch my throat. And I won't even get into what they're like coming out the other end.

Anyway it was a big mess. I didn't have the original receipt, so when I tried to return it I could only get store credit.  There wasn't anything else I wanted at the reindeer store, so now I'm stuck with this dead deer I'll never use crammed in the back of my closet. Fortunately my closet is THE OCEAN, so there's plenty of room for it I suppose.

I'm not a big fan of elves either. You'd think they'd taste like candy, but they are also surprisingly gamey. And they get all in your teeth. Last time I ate one I spent the whole rest of the day flossing out their sticky little fingers.

As for what I do want, seals are always a good go-to. You can never have to many, kind of like socks.

Honestly though, what I'd really LOVE this Christmas is you. You're so festively plump...I'm just dying to sink my teeth into that bowl full of jelly.  Plus you eat cookies all the time so I bet your blood tastes like cinnamon. I know it's a lot to ask, but I've been good this good as any bloodthirsty murderous predator of the sea can be, anyway.

All I can say is, if I find your delicious corpse under my tree Christmas morning, I'll be as giddy as a schoolgirl covered in dead puppies.

Mr. Shark

Friday, December 2, 2011

The pug collector

Hello relatives. So glad we could get together again for the holidays, that special time of year when you all compete to make the most inappropriate comment about my romantic life. From impossible
questions like “I know you're not dating anyone, but are you at least having sex?” to last year’s revelation that “an accident baby would be totally fine with us,” you never fail to keep me on my toes. But this year, I’m confident all the awkward remarks and emails of sperm donor profiles you think “look nice” are going to stop. Everyone gather ‘round please, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve started a family.

Hahaha! No, it’s not a family of cats. I’m not some kind of crazy person. Plus you know I’m allergic. They’re pug dogs!

At first I just had one for companionship, a little present I gave to myself on my 30th birthday. But since then, I’ve gone pug wild! After this month’s litter, our family will be 25 strong. Clearly with this many pugs in one household, kids are out of the question. But don’t worry mom, I assure you my little puggies are just as surprising, rewarding, and soothing to breastfeed as human children.

If you don’t believe me, just take a look at the adorable pillows they gave me for Mother’s Day! See the intricate cross-stitching? The thread was spun from all the fur they shed over the past year. Isn’t that sweet? Well, yes, obviously I did all the physical sewing myself, but they provided the delightful dog-isms. I couldn’t have come up with something like “I woof you very much” on my own! And just look at the charming misspellings and cute little backwards “e’s” (silly pugs don’t know the alphabet!)

Now I know what you’re thinking, “how do you keep coming up with names for all these snub-nosed angels?” It’s a simple formula really. My eldest, John, was of course named after my father (I think they have the same chin.) Successive pugs were named after my failed relationships, starting with Brooks Jackson, the middle school crush who made fun of my sticker collection and the fact that my boobs hadn’t grown in yet, all the way to Adventureguy72, the date who still hasn’t called (and also had no appreciation for my sticker collection.) When I ran out of ex-lovers I began naming them after television stars I find attractive (no chance I’ll run out of those, lol!)

And yes, the pugs are all male.  I find that females of any species always end up being jealous of me.

Anyway, let me pass around the photo album, I know you’re dying to see all my babies. Oh, and does anyone have a laptop? I want to show you guys the hilarious home video we made last Saturday night. It’s based on my personal strength idol Fergie and her hit song “Fergalicious.” Hugh Laurie, my rascally middle child, had the great idea to change the words to “pugalicious.” We already had plenty of costumes, so we decided to record a little music video. What a hoot!  Let’s all watch
it together. Don’t be embarrassed dad, the first time I saw it I laughed so hard I cried too!

Ok, I’ll get down from the table now. I guess this has been a pretty long toast, and you guys look like you need to start drinking.

Cheers and Happy Howlidays everyone!