Monday, July 25, 2011

Mr. Shark offers his weight management advice

Dear Mr. Shark,
Ever since I entered my forties, I just can't seem to shed those last 15 lbs.  I've tried everything, eating healthy, exercise, and even crazy fad diets, but nothing seems to work!

I've been trying to put myself out there in the dating world, but with this extra weight I just don't feel attractive to the opposite sex.  What should I do?

Love always and desperately,

Dear Joyce,
I feel for you and understand your concern.

Personally, I prefer a woman with a little extra meat. I also prefer extra meat on men, fish, beef hearts, goat carcasses, sundry entrails, and any other animal product that is used to make chum.

As for being attractive, listen to your friend Sir Mix-a-lot, and "do sidebends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that blood."  It takes but one drop to attract the world's most eligible killing machines from over a mile away. And by the time he reaches your frail, vulnerable human body, he will be so crazed with bloodlust he'll be biting everything from the sides of boats to those flimsy metal cages they put stupid divers in.

But whatever you do Joyce, resist the urge to cheapen yourself by wearing slinky clothing.  In particular, do not wear one of those chainmail shark suits that are impermeable to millions of rows of razor sharp teeth.  It will only confuse and frustrate your predator, causing him to lose interest and instead attack the next seal or seal-looking surfer who crosses his path.

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Neards through the years part 2

"The hair has become so coarse it can only be groomed with the finest LARPing sword."
 "I fancy myself the male Lady Godiva, and ride my stallion through the streets clothed only in long, lustrous, neck hair."
 "My other car is a gondola."
 "People call me the muffin man because I just LOVE muffins! Blueberry muffins, banana nut muffins, chocolate muffins, I've never met a muffin I didn't like.  On the weekends I make big baskets of muffins and decorate the baskets with lots of ribbons and lace and other kinds of sadness."
"I'm a bartender at TGI Fridays, but I'm also the lead singer of a sweet Korn coverband called Corn."
"I'm the lead singer of a Corn coverband called Wheat."

Monday, July 11, 2011

Neards through the years - a look back at an awesome look

I used to think neck beards were awesome. Then I forgot about it.  Then I remembered again.....

"I've explored all kinds of distant lands and shit. Once on an island in the South Pacific, I mated with the great Kimodo dragon. It was glorious."

"A rag soaked in ether used to be the only way I could lure a wench into my night chambers, but not anymore...This shit's a straight-up pantaloon-dropper."
 "During the day I usually just stand in front of this marble wall in my vest and blouse.  But at night I Riverdance naked in front of my open window before crowds of salivating women"

 "The piece behind me, entitled Americana in Winter, is well-known among the Motel Art elite.  It was painted exclusively with neck hair bristled brushes, and took me 7 years to complete."

 "Every night in my basement my friends an I re-enact 1988's fantasy hit Willow.  And when I say friends I'm referring to my beanie baby collection."

"50% gnome. 100% man."

Sunday, July 3, 2011

YouTube ain't got shit on this

Stock photography is always a delight, but have you ever looked up stock footage? I guarantee it is well worth your time. A quick search of "business shame" produced these gems:

Blasting biceps at work shame.
Hugging your computer shame.
Random stranger in black rubbing your shoulders OH THE SHAME.