Friday, August 5, 2011

Mr. Shark offers his advice on being a bad-ass

Dear Mr. Shark,
As you can see from my neck, I’m already criminally bad-ass.  But I was wondering if you had any advice on how to become even bad-assier.  Shit like having razor sharp teeth, and never sleeping or blinking.  Can I get your help with that?

Mr. Neard


Dear Mr. Neard,
For the first time in my life I’m feeling an emotion other than pure bloodlust.  I think you humans might call it “jealousy.” What you have there on your neck is a thing of beauty.  Like fornication in follicle form…something I do while swimming, which I agree, is pretty baller.  But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something by being a completely aero-dynamic hairless killing machine with no discernable neck.  The neck beard is the one thing nature forgot when constructing the ocean’s deadliest predator.

I really have no advice for you other than to keep doing what you’re doing.  And maybe use a metal file to sharpen your teeth. Even if it doesn’t help you hunt seals, it will still look pretty bad-ass while you’re doing it.

Mr. Shark

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