Thursday, April 28, 2011

Lessons from Dynasty - Part 3

15.  Your father's crypt is a great place to bond with your infant child.  Here you can deliver a touching and seemingly well-rehearsed monologue without being distracted by the living.

16. People who have an all-encompassing vendetta will often experience flashbacks of the same ominous scene and whispered dialogue over and over again.  It is always the exact same scene and dialogue...sometimes they zoom in on it though.

17. Beware of people you've only met a few times.  They are all in cahoots with each other, and they are all trying to destroy you.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lessons from Dynasty - Part 2

11. The gardener is ALWAYS around. Be sure to set aside some money to bribe him.

12.  If you ever accidentally shoot a woman who's husband you had an affair with, you should invite her to convalesce in your home.  It's the polite thing to do.

13. Pregnancy weight, if gained at all, will disappear before the baby is even brought home.

14. Don't be surprised if you get your business rival confused with Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.  They conduct business meetings in the exact same manner.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Lessons from Dynasty - Addendum to Lesson #1

1. If you need to apologize, try saying it with flowers.  There are arrangements for anything from "Sorry I raped you," to "whoops did I just kill your gay lover?, " to "OMG I kissed my ex-wife in the Middle East."

In very rare cases, like "I'm sorry your real father might be BOTH your baby's great uncle and grandfather," flowers DO NOT say it all.  In such cases, this is a more appropriate gift:

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lessons from Dynasty

I'm halfway through Dynasty.  So far it has been full of important life lessons.

1. If you need to apologize, try saying it with flowers.  There are arrangements for anything from "Sorry I raped you," to "whoops did I just kill your gay lover?, " to "OMG I kissed my ex-wife in the Middle East."

2. If you're considering riding a horse for the very first time, you should probably try it while pregnant.  Don't worry, if you fall off of your horse and your baby dies, no one will question why you were RIDING A HORSE WHILE PREGNANT.

3. All a man needs to seduce a woman is chest hair and a working fireplace.

4.  Sexuality is location based.  A man living with another man for over a year can easily be chalked up to "oh, well he was living in New York at the time."

5. Proper procedure for delivering medical news is as follows: remove medical mask. Toss hair seductively. Stare and say nothing until they figure out the diagnosis themselves.

6.  A catfight can happen at ANY MOMENT.  Be prepared by stocking every room with 4-6 crystal vases for smashing.

7.  If you ever discover that your real father is the rival of the wealthy oil tycoon that raised you, the news can be so shocking that you completely forget to be grossed out by the fact that you have just given birth to what is now your first cousin's baby. You may also forget that you totally made out with your biological father a few episodes ago.

8. Unsure of what to wear?  A pantsuit is always appropriate. And bras, if worn at all, should be unsupportive.

9.  If you lose your vision in an explosion don't worry, it will return and be accompanied by harp music.

10. Neurosurgery is just like riding a bike. Even if you haven't practiced medicine in over a decade, you can get right back into it when the hospital has a "brain surgery emergency" and you are the only person around with a medical degree.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Mediumly crazy behavior

Taking care of car-related things is one of my least favorite activities in the world. I’m particularly bad at all the forms and things you have to take care of and fill out and mail in to keep your car street-legal. It’s so boring and I always end up doing it late.

So when I got my new car in California, I was happy when they took care of all that unpleasant business at the dealership.  All I had to do was sign in a few places and everything was taken care of.  I just had to wait for my license plate to arrive. 

Seems normal enough, but it turned out to be nothing but. Because when the envelope finally arrived, I opened it up to find not one, but TWO identical license plates. 

I was immediately nervous. 

Why had they sent me two? In case one falls off? Was this some kind of trick?  I became sweaty as I pondered the possibilities.  This was clearly a mistake. I only have one car and I only need one plate. I wondered if I should just hold on to it. Maybe keep it in my closet or something until its mysterious purpose revealed itself.

But this idea sent me into an even greater panic. Because the only thing that makes me more nervous than the unexplained appearance of license plates is HOARDING. 

And I just knew this license plate that I DIDN’T NEED would be the gateway to my future hoard.  Soon I’d be keeping old boxes just in case and saving expired yogurt for a rainy day.  Moldy magazines? Don’t mind if I do. Just toss them in the corner next to my collection of broken baby furniture. And please don’t step on the dead cat. I'll be stuffing him later and don’t want you ruining the integrity of his fur.

My life was headed down a cluttered and depressing path. I needed to get rid of this thing. But I had to do it secretly because a) it was government property and more importantly, b) I didn’t want to have to explain the story to my roommates because they’d think I was weird (imagine that).

So I waited until late at night when everyone was asleep, wrapped the plate up in a plastic garbage bag, and snuck out into the darkness to dispose of it, taking care to wedge it near the back of the dumpster so no one could find it.

After a night of fitful sleep, I woke up relieved to find that the trash man has taken away the tawdry evidence. PROBLEM SOLVED. I could now move on with my life knowing that professional organizers would never show up at my door with cameras and GOT JUNK trucks and judgmentally held noses.

A month or so later I got a ticket.  Apparently I was supposed to put the second license plate on the front of the car.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Bartering tips for the robot apocalypse

So I was perusing the world wide web the other day and discovered this: 

It seems my old nerd-bros at Georgia Tech are making some amazing strides in evil robot technology (it's about teaching robots to deceive humans, if you were too lazy to read), setting the stage for the long-awaited battle between man and machine. 

And if Jeopardy is any pre-curser, I think we can all guess the outcome of this duel: 

It's only a matter of time before our civilization collapses and we revert back to the bartering system.  So in preparation, I've gathered a few "tips of the trade" to help determine the future value of some of your most common household items.

1. Chickens

In the future, a living chicken will obviously be more valuable then a dead one.  It's nearly impossible to learn the chicken dance from a dead chicken, and since all of the chicken-dance literature will have been burned for warmth in the post-apocalyptic world, the only way to learn the proper technique will be directly from the source. So be sure to check all your chickens for alive-ness before making any trades.

2. Olsens

Though they look almost identical, a Mary-Kate will be worth less than half the value of an Ashley. Mary-Kate meat is sparse and tough to the point of inedible, whereas Ashley's more tender meat makes a great base for a stew. Plus, an Ashley's larger sized clothing will provide more fabric to create your spooky Halloween decor.
(Robots don't believe in Halloween so if you want to be festive you're going to have to make it yourself.)

3. Other sundry items

Lastly, the going rate for human dignity will be about equal to that of any type of shiny object. Shiny things are not only useful in distracting bears, but their shininess can also provide a sliver of wonder in a world where hope is dead.  

Dignity, on the other hand, can tend to be a burden in the future. For example, small joys like flinging feces at your robot-handlers when they approach your cage will be almost impossible with human dignity intact. So if anyone offers you a disco ball, a keychain, or canister of glitter in exchange for this somewhat worthless portion of your character, be sure to jump at the chance.