Monday, January 24, 2011

Sisterhood of Dynasty begins

So a few weeks ago I was thinking about purchasing the box set of the 80's soap opera Dynasty because, as evidenced by this photo, it is AMAZING:
Originally I was going to mail it around to a few other people forming the "Sisterhood of Dynasty," much like the movie "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" (minus the complete suspension of reality needed to believe that America Ferrara and Blake Lively fit into the same pair of jeans...actually the mail part is the only real similarity, but the name is catchy.)

HOWEVER, has all the episodes for FREE online, so no need at all for the mail.

I just started watching today and am already captivated by the love triangle forming between Krystle Grant Jennings, Blake Carrington, and Matthew Blaisdel.  Will she marry for money? Or will she follow her heart???  The only thing we know for sure is that Matthew Blaisdel...
looks a lot like this troll doll:
stay tuned for the DRAMA as it unfolds...

Monday, January 17, 2011

Everyone's been in Menudo

You'd be surprised how many of todays celebs got their start in the boy band Menudo
 Bill Pullman AND Bill Paxten...but which is which?

They're Puerto Rican...but maybe check their papers just in case...

 Before he was Walken, he was SINGIN!

 Just like Jack in the Shining, he's ALWAYS been here....

Before he was nature's most notorious killing machine, he was a DANCING MACHINE

Friday, January 14, 2011

Mr. Shark in the Movies #4 - Bambi

A trip to the beach turns tragic when Bambi eats his own mother.  To be fair, a deer on a surfboard looks almost identical to a seal.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Mr. Shark in the Movies #3 - Weekend at Bernie's

Though it's obvious to everyone that Bernie is dead, terrified party-goers decide to play along for fear of being attacked by the corpse's handlers.  Comedic hijinks ensue.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The State Farm guy casually strolls by my last post

Oh holler!  I was just taking a leisurely walk when I noticed you ravaging a carcass.  What a commonplace and relatable activity.  You know what else is relatable?  State Farm insurance. By the way, that smells delicious.  Toss an entrail at me yo!

My favorite vulture-themed office email

The following is a real email my friend Amy received from her office building management:

"Please know that we have hired a company called Catch It Wild to help us discourage our resident vultures from hanging around in the trees in the courtyard and the roof tops. Vultures are a protected species in the state of Georgia and we will not harm them in any way but they are making quite a mess in the courtyard. One of the tactics used to discourage them is loud noise. The loud noise is administered by a shot gun from the roof in most cases that does not use live ammunition. Please do not be alarmed if you hear what sounds like a loud fire cracker early in the mornings for the next week or so."

Here is a photo of the majestic bird:

And some of it's charming characteristics: "Vulture stomach acid is exceptionally corrosive, allowing them to safely digest putrid carcasses infected with  hog cholera and anthrax bacteria. This also enables them to use their reeking, corrosive vomit as a defensive projectile when threatened. Vultures urinate straight down their legs; the acid kills bacteria accumulated from walking through carcasses."

AND, "vultures do not kill their own prey, which would classify them as a raptor" 

A few weeks after the email, Amy posted this on facebook:  "Nine birds have flown into my window today that I know of. I'm often away from my desk, so imagine the possibilities."

I decided to imagine that the birds flinging themselves into Amy's windows were the very same piss and vomit-covered vultures that were being shot at with fake shotguns.  And since it was around Thanksgiving-time, one could only imagined that the birds were drawn to the turkey carcass Amy was carving at her desk. 

Sadly though, my beautiful tableau was destroyed when I realized that since they were raptors, the vultures could easily have just opened the door if they wanted to get in.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The State Farm guy will give you something to cry about

Wassup lady!  I was just taking a casual stroll around the neighborhood when I noticed you grieving.  You know what would turn that frown upside-down?  Better auto insurance coverage.  And State Farm's got the most CUT-THROAT rates in the market.  What?  He was a stabbing victim?!?  AWK-WARD...

Your business is the State Farm guy's business

Why hello!  In focus groups, consumers said my ambigious ethnicity and "friendly" demeanor made them feel comfortable.  Almost as comfortable as shitting naked.  Can I offer you some insurance?

The State farm guy interrupts your bath

Oh hi!  I was just in the neighborhood and couldn't help but notice you sponge-bathing your old wife.  Did you know you could be saving 40% on your car insurance payments when you switch to State Farm?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Mr. Shark offers his relationship advice

  Dear Mr. Shark,
  Recently my husband has been acting weird.  Whenever we
  talk he seems distant, and he seems to be going on  
  more overnight business trips lately. Do you think he’s cheating  
  on me?
  Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused in Colorado,

When you go to bite your husband, be sure to aim directly for the mid-section.  A lot of people make the mistake of going for an arm or a leg. But the last thing we want here is for him to “grow as a person” from this experience, go on a nationwide lecture tour and then end up making some sort of cathartic return to the sea. Even if I had the ability to count, I would not be able to count the number of made-for-cable documentaries filmed on this subject, with each and every one threatening to dislodge my reputation as the world’s most notorious killing machine.

My point is, most people can bounce back after losing an appendage or two. But there’s no such thing as a prosthetic torso.

Once you’ve taken a bite, whether or not you want to thrash about wildly is up to you.  I personally have a flair for the dramatic, so I’ll usually give my victims a solid sweaterless-chihuahua-in-a-freezer shake.  But again, it’s all just style points.  Your main objective is to make sure your millions of rows of teeth pierce the vital organs enough to drain a life-ending amount of blood.

Speaking of blood, there are a lot of “conservatives” out there, so you’ll need to be prepared for the backlash.  My advice is to go with the old “I don’t even like the taste of human flesh, I thought he was a seal” excuse.  Works every time.

Good Luck!

Mr. Shark

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Mr. Shark in the Movies #2 - Face-off

A revolutionary medical technique allows Mr. Shark, an undercover agent, to take on the physical appearance of Castor Troy and infiltrate his organization.

 But then Troy awakens from his coma unexpectedly and takes Mr. Shark's face.
The surgery is so convincing that Mr. Shark's old ass wife does not even notice that his face is on a different body.

Mr. Shark in the Movies #1 - He's just not that into you

He just wants to get into your pants.  So he can bite off your legs.