What do you want for Christmas?
- Santa
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First of all, thank you for asking and not just assuming I'd want a reindeer. My mother got me one last year...I didn't have the heart to tell her, (I'm not even sure sharks have hearts) but I've never really liked them. The meat is pretty gamey, and the antlers scratch my throat. And I won't even get into what they're like coming out the other end.
Anyway it was a big mess. I didn't have the original receipt, so when I tried to return it I could only get store credit. There wasn't anything else I wanted at the reindeer store, so now I'm stuck with this dead deer I'll never use crammed in the back of my closet. Fortunately my closet is THE OCEAN, so there's plenty of room for it I suppose.
I'm not a big fan of elves either. You'd think they'd taste like candy, but they are also surprisingly gamey. And they get all in your teeth. Last time I ate one I spent the whole rest of the day flossing out their sticky little fingers.
As for what I do want, seals are always a good go-to. You can never have to many, kind of like socks.
Honestly though, what I'd really LOVE this Christmas is you. You're so festively plump...I'm just dying to sink my teeth into that bowl full of jelly. Plus you eat cookies all the time so I bet your blood tastes like cinnamon. I know it's a lot to ask, but I've been good this year...as good as any bloodthirsty murderous predator of the sea can be, anyway.
All I can say is, if I find your delicious corpse under my tree Christmas morning, I'll be as giddy as a schoolgirl covered in dead puppies.
Love,
Mr. Shark
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