Your business is the State Farm guy's business

Why hello!  In focus groups, consumers said my ambigious ethnicity and "friendly" demeanor made them feel comfortable.  Almost as comfortable as shitting naked.  Can I offer you some insurance?

The State farm guy interrupts your bath

Oh hi!  I was just in the neighborhood and couldn't help but notice you sponge-bathing your old wife.  Did you know you could be saving 40% on your car insurance payments when you switch to State Farm?

Mr. Shark offers his relationship advice

  Dear Mr. Shark,
  Recently my husband has been acting weird.  Whenever we
  talk he seems distant, and he seems to be going on  
  more overnight business trips lately. Do you think he’s cheating  
  on me?
  Confused in Colorado

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Confused in Colorado,

When you go to bite your husband, be sure to aim directly for the mid-section.  A lot of people make the mistake of going for an arm or a leg. But the last thing we want here is for him to “grow as a person” from this experience, go on a nationwide lecture tour and then end up making some sort of cathartic return to the sea. Even if I had the ability to count, I would not be able to count the number of made-for-cable documentaries filmed on this subject, with each and every one threatening to dislodge my reputation as the world’s most notorious killing machine.

My point is, most people can bounce back after losing an appendage or two. But there’s no such thing as a prosthetic torso.

Once you’ve taken a bite, whether or not you want to thrash about wildly is up to you.  I personally have a flair for the dramatic, so I’ll usually give my victims a solid sweaterless-chihuahua-in-a-freezer shake.  But again, it’s all just style points.  Your main objective is to make sure your millions of rows of teeth pierce the vital organs enough to drain a life-ending amount of blood.

Speaking of blood, there are a lot of “conservatives” out there, so you’ll need to be prepared for the backlash.  My advice is to go with the old “I don’t even like the taste of human flesh, I thought he was a seal” excuse.  Works every time.

Good Luck!

Love,
Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark in the Movies #2 - Face-off

A revolutionary medical technique allows Mr. Shark, an undercover agent, to take on the physical appearance of Castor Troy and infiltrate his organization.

 But then Troy awakens from his coma unexpectedly and takes Mr. Shark's face.

The surgery is so convincing that Mr. Shark's old ass wife does not even notice that his face is on a different body.

Mr. Shark in the Movies #1 - He's just not that into you

He just wants to get into your pants.  So he can bite off your legs.

Lesser known Reindeer #4 - Karl Lagerdeer

By far the most fashionable of all the reindeer.  This year, the Karl Lagerdeer will be unveiling a new line of couture pelts.

Lesser known Reindeer #3 - Make it Raindeer

Make it Raindeer can fly, but he is more interested in fly bitches.