Mr. Shark offers his advice to an aging Forrest

Dear Mr. Shark,

I'm almost 30 and don't have a wife or kids.  Should I just shoot myself, or what?

Forrest B.

Los Angeles, CA

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Dear Mr. Forrest, 

First of all, gross.  What is wrong with you? By your age I’d already sired 12 tiny murderers, 3 of which I’ve already murdered myself.  Also, I gave advice about this in yesterday’s post, so I really don’t understand why you haven’t been able to impregnate a female by now.

That being said, unless you are dangling off the edge of a boat, I don’t think shooting yourself is the best idea.  I think you should end your life in a more meaningful way.

Sacrifice yourself to the ocean gods. 

I read about it in this book of ancient wisdom once. It said that ocean god sacrifice volunteers were revered as heroes because their sacrifice rid their human villages of plague, hunger and terrifying Willem Dafoes. I don’t remember their name, but it was some obscure tribe that doesn’t have a Wikipedia page or any other evidence proving their existence, so don’t bother looking them up. 

I’ll just tell you what to do.  First, you’ll need to make your skin nice and slick by shaving all the hair off your body.  Be thorough, the ocean gods hate stubble.  Next, you’ll begin a process the ancients referred to as “marinating.” To do this, you’ll need to soak in a tub full of seal blood, fish heads, and sesame seeds (adds a bit of teriyaki flavor) for at least 3 days. 

When you’re ready to enter the ocean, walk out to at least neck-deep water. You can bring a surfboard or water wings for fun if you want.  Once you are submerged, make sure to clap, bark, or balance a red ball on your nose so the ocean gods know what to look for. They have millions of rows of razor sharp teeth, so when you feel them sinking into your torso or leg, you know they’ve found you, and that your generous sacrifice will soon be complete, and your village, saved. 

But please make sure you do this before your 30^th birthday. Ocean gods don’t like old meat that’s all nasty and tough.  

Love, 

Mr. Shark

Do you have a burning question that only a swimming death machine can answer?  Submit it now to mrsharkadvice@gmail.com.

Mr. Shark offers his advice to an awkward Maurice

Dear Mr. Shark,

I’m awkward around girls. How can I be more smooth? 

Sincerely,
Maurice E.

Portland, OR

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Dear Maurice,

Since the only two emotions I am capable of feeling are bloodlust and violence, I’m not entirely sure what you mean by “awkward.”  So I will instead offer you my best advice on how to fertilize a female.   

First, make sure you are swimming in the designated mating waters, which for humans would include bars and grocery stores. Next, scan the area to locate the most fertile female.  I believe that in humans the sacks of fat hanging from the female’s chest are a good indicator.   

Before you approach the female, be sure to block all the exits with chairs, large rocks, or piles of dead seals so that she cannot escape your advances.  Then begin circling and bumping the female with your nose. Chicks love that shit.  Once she is intrigued, show off your dominance with a love bite.  I usually go for the fin, but for you, the fleshy part of the upper arm or thigh should work.  Now you should easily be able to impregnate her with one of your two penises (or is it penii?). 

Before you know it, you will have created two to three beautiful embryos, and after they engage in the adorable baby behavior known as in-womb cannibalism, you’ll be left with one dominant, murderous shark baby. 

But parenthood doesn’t end there.  Remember to teach your children well.  Specifically, let them know which areas of the seal beaches are your territory.  You don’t want to end up having to prove your hunting prowess by killing your own spawn.  I’ve been there, and believe me, it’s TOTES “awkward” as you might put it…

Hope this helps Maurice,

Mr. Shark

Do you have a burning question that can only be answered by a swimming death machine?  If so, you can now send your questions to mrsharkadvice@gmail.com

Mr. Shark offers his advice to you

Dear The Internet,
Up until this point, I've only responded to questions carved into the sides of fish and delivered to me by seals. But the other day a little bird told me that perhaps my advice could reach a broader audience if I accepted questions via the world wide web.

After I ate that bird, I decided that he had a good point.  And as it turns out, in between my folds of brain tissue, which is also solid muscle and teeth tissue, I have a fully-functional laptop and wi-fi connection made of solid muscle and teeth.

Now if you have a burning question that can only be properly answered by a swimming death machine, you can send it to the email address mrsharkadvice@gmail.com, and I will answer it on this internet blog.

So send away people, I'm all ears.  And by that I mean 300 lbs of muscle, razor sharp teeth, and very tiny ears.

Respectfully yours,
Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his advice on being a bad-ass

Dear Mr. Shark,

As you can see from my neck, I’m already criminally bad-ass.  But I was wondering if you had any advice on how to become even bad-assier.  Shit like having razor sharp teeth, and never sleeping or blinking.  Can I get your help with that?

Sincerely,

Mr. Neard


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Dear Mr. Neard,

For the first time in my life I’m feeling an emotion other than pure bloodlust.  I think you humans might call it “jealousy.” What you have there on your neck is a thing of beauty.  Like fornication in follicle form…something I do while swimming, which I agree, is pretty baller.  But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something by being a completely aero-dynamic hairless killing machine with no discernable neck.  The neck beard is the one thing nature forgot when constructing the ocean’s deadliest predator.

I really have no advice for you other than to keep doing what you’re doing.  And maybe use a metal file to sharpen your teeth. Even if it doesn’t help you hunt seals, it will still look pretty bad-ass while you’re doing it.

Respectfully,

Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his advice on managing anxiety

Dear Mr. Shark,
I've recently been suffering from extreme bouts of anxiety.  I just can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm even having difficulty making love to my impossibly beautiful supermodel wife.  If I had to put this feeling into melodious and poetic words, I might compare it to being kissed by a rose on the grave. Please help.
Love Always,
Seal

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Dear Mr. Seal,
I think these feelings of imminent danger are all in your slick, delicious seal head.

I mean, what are the odds your every move is being tracked by 18 feet of pure biting machine?  In fact, I find it hard to believe that 200 pounds of muscle and razor sharp teeth could even float, let alone stalk you for hours, waiting for you to unveil a critical weakness. 

I recommend practicing a few relaxation techniques.  Get away from it all by spending some time in isolation.  Specifically, try to swim as far away from the other seals as possible.  Catch some alone time in a secluded cove. Or perhaps playfully chase a fish into the murky depths.  Let loose! But more importantly, let your guard down.

If you're still worried, look out for a boat with a documentary film crew on board and get into its line of vision.  If by chance you DO get attacked by a deadly and widely misunderstood predator, the scientists will surely come to your rescue, and will definitely NOT film your bloody evisceration in HD while a dramatic voiceover describes the majestic cruelty of nature.

Hope this helps.

Love,
Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his weight management advice

Dear Mr. Shark,
Ever since I entered my forties, I just can't seem to shed those last 15 lbs.  I've tried everything, eating healthy, exercise, and even crazy fad diets, but nothing seems to work!

I've been trying to put myself out there in the dating world, but with this extra weight I just don't feel attractive to the opposite sex.  What should I do?

Love always and desperately,
Joyce

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Dear Joyce,
I feel for you and understand your concern.

Personally, I prefer a woman with a little extra meat. I also prefer extra meat on men, fish, beef hearts, goat carcasses, sundry entrails, and any other animal product that is used to make chum.

As for being attractive, listen to your friend Sir Mix-a-lot, and "do sidebends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that blood."  It takes but one drop to attract the world's most eligible killing machines from over a mile away. And by the time he reaches your frail, vulnerable human body, he will be so crazed with bloodlust he'll be biting everything from the sides of boats to those flimsy metal cages they put stupid divers in.

But whatever you do Joyce, resist the urge to cheapen yourself by wearing slinky clothing.  In particular, do not wear one of those chainmail shark suits that are impermeable to millions of rows of razor sharp teeth.  It will only confuse and frustrate your predator, causing him to lose interest and instead attack the next seal or seal-looking surfer who crosses his path.

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Neards through the years part 2

 

"The hair has become so coarse it can only be groomed with the finest LARPing sword."

 "I fancy myself the male Lady Godiva, and ride my stallion through the streets clothed only in long, lustrous, neck hair."

 "My other car is a gondola."

 "People call me the muffin man because I just LOVE muffins! Blueberry muffins, banana nut muffins, chocolate muffins, I've never met a muffin I didn't like.  On the weekends I make big baskets of muffins and decorate the baskets with lots of ribbons and lace and other kinds of sadness."

"I'm a bartender at TGI Fridays, but I'm also the lead singer of a sweet Korn coverband called Corn."

"I'm the lead singer of a Corn coverband called Wheat."