Dear Mr. Shark,
I've recently been suffering from extreme bouts of anxiety. I just can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm even having difficulty making love to my impossibly beautiful supermodel wife. If I had to put this feeling into melodious and poetic words, I might compare it to being kissed by a rose on the grave. Please help.
Love Always,
Seal
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I think these feelings of imminent danger are all in your slick, delicious seal head.
I mean, what are the odds your every move is being tracked by 18 feet of pure biting machine? In fact, I find it hard to believe that 200 pounds of muscle and razor sharp teeth could even float, let alone stalk you for hours, waiting for you to unveil a critical weakness.
I recommend practicing a few relaxation techniques. Get away from it all by spending some time in isolation. Specifically, try to swim as far away from the other seals as possible. Catch some alone time in a secluded cove. Or perhaps playfully chase a fish into the murky depths. Let loose! But more importantly, let your guard down.
If you're still worried, look out for a boat with a documentary film crew on board and get into its line of vision. If by chance you DO get attacked by a deadly and widely misunderstood predator, the scientists will surely come to your rescue, and will definitely NOT film your bloody evisceration in HD while a dramatic voiceover describes the majestic cruelty of nature.
Hope this helps.
Love,
Mr. Shark
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