Mr. Shark offers his advice to an aging Forrest

Dear Mr. Shark,

I'm almost 30 and don't have a wife or kids.  Should I just shoot myself, or what?

Forrest B.

Los Angeles, CA

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Dear Mr. Forrest, 

First of all, gross.  What is wrong with you? By your age I’d already sired 12 tiny murderers, 3 of which I’ve already murdered myself.  Also, I gave advice about this in yesterday’s post, so I really don’t understand why you haven’t been able to impregnate a female by now.

That being said, unless you are dangling off the edge of a boat, I don’t think shooting yourself is the best idea.  I think you should end your life in a more meaningful way.

Sacrifice yourself to the ocean gods. 

I read about it in this book of ancient wisdom once. It said that ocean god sacrifice volunteers were revered as heroes because their sacrifice rid their human villages of plague, hunger and terrifying Willem Dafoes. I don’t remember their name, but it was some obscure tribe that doesn’t have a Wikipedia page or any other evidence proving their existence, so don’t bother looking them up. 

I’ll just tell you what to do.  First, you’ll need to make your skin nice and slick by shaving all the hair off your body.  Be thorough, the ocean gods hate stubble.  Next, you’ll begin a process the ancients referred to as “marinating.” To do this, you’ll need to soak in a tub full of seal blood, fish heads, and sesame seeds (adds a bit of teriyaki flavor) for at least 3 days. 

When you’re ready to enter the ocean, walk out to at least neck-deep water. You can bring a surfboard or water wings for fun if you want.  Once you are submerged, make sure to clap, bark, or balance a red ball on your nose so the ocean gods know what to look for. They have millions of rows of razor sharp teeth, so when you feel them sinking into your torso or leg, you know they’ve found you, and that your generous sacrifice will soon be complete, and your village, saved. 

But please make sure you do this before your 30^th birthday. Ocean gods don’t like old meat that’s all nasty and tough.  

Love, 

Mr. Shark

Do you have a burning question that only a swimming death machine can answer?  Submit it now to mrsharkadvice@gmail.com.