Mr. Shark offers his advice to you

Dear The Internet,
Up until this point, I've only responded to questions carved into the sides of fish and delivered to me by seals. But the other day a little bird told me that perhaps my advice could reach a broader audience if I accepted questions via the world wide web.

After I ate that bird, I decided that he had a good point.  And as it turns out, in between my folds of brain tissue, which is also solid muscle and teeth tissue, I have a fully-functional laptop and wi-fi connection made of solid muscle and teeth.

Now if you have a burning question that can only be properly answered by a swimming death machine, you can send it to the email address mrsharkadvice@gmail.com, and I will answer it on this internet blog.

So send away people, I'm all ears.  And by that I mean 300 lbs of muscle, razor sharp teeth, and very tiny ears.

Respectfully yours,
Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his advice on being a bad-ass

Dear Mr. Shark,

As you can see from my neck, I’m already criminally bad-ass.  But I was wondering if you had any advice on how to become even bad-assier.  Shit like having razor sharp teeth, and never sleeping or blinking.  Can I get your help with that?

Sincerely,

Mr. Neard


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Dear Mr. Neard,

For the first time in my life I’m feeling an emotion other than pure bloodlust.  I think you humans might call it “jealousy.” What you have there on your neck is a thing of beauty.  Like fornication in follicle form…something I do while swimming, which I agree, is pretty baller.  But I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something by being a completely aero-dynamic hairless killing machine with no discernable neck.  The neck beard is the one thing nature forgot when constructing the ocean’s deadliest predator.

I really have no advice for you other than to keep doing what you’re doing.  And maybe use a metal file to sharpen your teeth. Even if it doesn’t help you hunt seals, it will still look pretty bad-ass while you’re doing it.

Respectfully,

Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his advice on managing anxiety

Dear Mr. Shark,
I've recently been suffering from extreme bouts of anxiety.  I just can't shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm even having difficulty making love to my impossibly beautiful supermodel wife.  If I had to put this feeling into melodious and poetic words, I might compare it to being kissed by a rose on the grave. Please help.
Love Always,
Seal

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Dear Mr. Seal,
I think these feelings of imminent danger are all in your slick, delicious seal head.

I mean, what are the odds your every move is being tracked by 18 feet of pure biting machine?  In fact, I find it hard to believe that 200 pounds of muscle and razor sharp teeth could even float, let alone stalk you for hours, waiting for you to unveil a critical weakness. 

I recommend practicing a few relaxation techniques.  Get away from it all by spending some time in isolation.  Specifically, try to swim as far away from the other seals as possible.  Catch some alone time in a secluded cove. Or perhaps playfully chase a fish into the murky depths.  Let loose! But more importantly, let your guard down.

If you're still worried, look out for a boat with a documentary film crew on board and get into its line of vision.  If by chance you DO get attacked by a deadly and widely misunderstood predator, the scientists will surely come to your rescue, and will definitely NOT film your bloody evisceration in HD while a dramatic voiceover describes the majestic cruelty of nature.

Hope this helps.

Love,
Mr. Shark

Mr. Shark offers his weight management advice

Dear Mr. Shark,
Ever since I entered my forties, I just can't seem to shed those last 15 lbs.  I've tried everything, eating healthy, exercise, and even crazy fad diets, but nothing seems to work!

I've been trying to put myself out there in the dating world, but with this extra weight I just don't feel attractive to the opposite sex.  What should I do?

Love always and desperately,
Joyce

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Dear Joyce,
I feel for you and understand your concern.

Personally, I prefer a woman with a little extra meat. I also prefer extra meat on men, fish, beef hearts, goat carcasses, sundry entrails, and any other animal product that is used to make chum.

As for being attractive, listen to your friend Sir Mix-a-lot, and "do sidebends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that blood."  It takes but one drop to attract the world's most eligible killing machines from over a mile away. And by the time he reaches your frail, vulnerable human body, he will be so crazed with bloodlust he'll be biting everything from the sides of boats to those flimsy metal cages they put stupid divers in.

But whatever you do Joyce, resist the urge to cheapen yourself by wearing slinky clothing.  In particular, do not wear one of those chainmail shark suits that are impermeable to millions of rows of razor sharp teeth.  It will only confuse and frustrate your predator, causing him to lose interest and instead attack the next seal or seal-looking surfer who crosses his path.

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Neards through the years part 2

 

"The hair has become so coarse it can only be groomed with the finest LARPing sword."

 "I fancy myself the male Lady Godiva, and ride my stallion through the streets clothed only in long, lustrous, neck hair."

 "My other car is a gondola."

 "People call me the muffin man because I just LOVE muffins! Blueberry muffins, banana nut muffins, chocolate muffins, I've never met a muffin I didn't like.  On the weekends I make big baskets of muffins and decorate the baskets with lots of ribbons and lace and other kinds of sadness."

"I'm a bartender at TGI Fridays, but I'm also the lead singer of a sweet Korn coverband called Corn."

"I'm the lead singer of a Corn coverband called Wheat."

Neards through the years - a look back at an awesome look

I used to think neck beards were awesome. Then I forgot about it.  Then I remembered again.....

"I've explored all kinds of distant lands and shit. Once on an island in the South Pacific, I mated with the great Kimodo dragon. It was glorious."

"A rag soaked in ether used to be the only way I could lure a wench into my night chambers, but not anymore...This shit's a straight-up pantaloon-dropper."

 "During the day I usually just stand in front of this marble wall in my vest and blouse.  But at night I Riverdance naked in front of my open window before crowds of salivating women"

 "The piece behind me, entitled Americana in Winter, is well-known among the Motel Art elite.  It was painted exclusively with neck hair bristled brushes, and took me 7 years to complete."

 "Every night in my basement my friends an I re-enact 1988's fantasy hit Willow.  And when I say friends I'm referring to my beanie baby collection."

"50% gnome. 100% man."

YouTube ain't got shit on this

Stock photography is always a delight, but have you ever looked up stock footage? I guarantee it is well worth your time. A quick search of "business shame" produced these gems:

Blasting biceps at work shame.

Hugging your computer shame.

Random stranger in black rubbing your shoulders OH THE SHAME.