That new monkey is just Nicholas Cage

Scientists claim to have discovered a new species of monkey in the Congo. But when you take a closer look, it's easy to see that it's not a new monkey at all, it is just Nicholas Cage. 

The evidence is overwhelming: 

Pugs on everything

I want science to invent these animals: 

 Puglet

 Puguin

Galapugos Tortise

Pugda Bear

Creeper 101

My roommate is moving out this month, and the new one is only going to be living here for 3 months. Since it's such a short time I figure I might as well see how much I can creep her out. Suggestions are welcome. Here are a few ideas my creep co-worker Derek and I have come up with:


Buy a bunch of books about menopause and lay them out as coffee table books.

Every day, yell at her from the shower asking her to get me a bar of soap.

Spell out her name in my hair on her soap.

Spell out my name in Noodle's hair on her pillow. 

Tell her I talked to her dad for a few hours on the phone, and that he's coming to stay for the weekend. After he was obviously not there, say we had a really good time. Do this every weekend.

Leave medicine bottles labeled "anti-suicide pills" laying around. Accuse her of taking them.

If she ever has friends over, shake their hands then kiss them directly on the mouth.

Stock the dvd shelf with with only copies of the movies "Beethoven," "Beethoven's 2nd," "Beethoven's 3rd," "Beethoven's 4th," "Beethoven's 5th," "Beethoven's Big Break," and "Beethoven's Christmas Adventure." Add one with a handwritten cover that says "Beethoven and Katie: coming soon."

Get a boombox. Play recordings of men loudly weeping every night before bed. If she asks about it, tell her it's one of those sound machines that helps you sleep.

Ask her if she'll be my surrogate over email. Tell her I've already talked to her dad about being the donor. If she brings it up in person act like she's crazy, but continue to follow-up via email.

Chew up any vegetables she buys and spit them back into the original containers.

Leave a bunch of to-do lists laying around that only say "Watch Beethoven 1-6" over and over.

Insist she take a pregnancy test every month. Say it's because the apartment is very picky about how many people are living here and that there have been issues in the past.

Evolution of man

Scientists are always trying to figure out how modern society evolved from early man. But it's pretty obvious how it happened: prehistoric life sucked and early man was over it.

"Nature is so boring. Let's go inside and do something cool like invent the parking ticket."

"Ugh, this prehistoric cat keeps eating our friends. Let's adopt a puggle instead."

"This cave is totally played out. Plus, someone drew stupid antelopes all over the walls. Let's move into a gated community."

"These mammoths smell like butts wrapped in wet sweaters. Let's invent Glade plug-ins that smell like fresh linens and other pleasant shit."

"Nah, we're cool bro, we had stick for lunch. We're gonna go hit up the Taco Bell."

Man Geddes

Remember that lady who use to shove babies into flower pots and take pictures of them? This is just like that, but with MEN.

I don't think these two are going to get along when they grow up, but they look totes adorbs here. 

Why buy cage-free eggs when you can get delicious Nicolas Cage eggs. 

I don't know that it's safe to put your baby on a pile of fiberglass insulation.

Every time a Gary Buseyangel screams, a pound of cocaine is born.

Mr. Shark offers summer fashion advice to Tits McGee

Hey Mr. Shark,

What kind of swimsuit do you think would make me look most appetizing on the beach?

Sincerely,

Tits McGee

 

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tits McGee,

First off, are you trying to be eaten, or is this some sort of lust thing? Pardon my confusion, I really only relate to bloodlust, not sexy-type lust. The stuff I do lasts like a minute tops. My species might even avoid the whole intercourse issue and just lay eggs or divide into pieces like a sponge…I’m not really sure. We usually don’t have much time for things that don’t involve smelling blood, maniacally tracking the source of blood, and devouring flesh that blood is seeping from.

Anywhooo, to answer your bathing suit question, I’d go for something that clings to the body and shows off your assets/allows you to swim rapidly and hunt prey. I’d also avoid anything with ruffles because they’ll make you look fat.

As for the color, I’d go with something close to the color of water so your victims don’t see you coming.  Something blue or grey or bluish grey works best…whatever is most flattering against your sleek, hairless, blue or grey or bluish grey skin.

Or if you plan on hiding in the sand to surprise your prey, there are also some good sand-colored options out there. I got a pretty cute one at Pacific Sunwear last weekend.  And yes, I realize that this store is on land. But remember, you’re taking fashion advice from an imaginary shark on a 30-year-old woman’s blog, so how I got a ride to the mall is probably one of the smaller plot holes in your life.

Anyway that’s what I’d recommend. And if you can’t find anything like I’ve described, just get something that makes your cans look good. 

Love always,

Mr. Shark

Salad pun lunch

Today me and some co-workers had lunch at this place called Leaf. The salad was ok, but the salad puns we came up with in line were exquisite.

This stock photo is entitled "Handsome young man eating a salad."

Here are the 10 best ones:

1. This line is unbeLEAFable.

2. They really need to hurry up, we can't ROMAINE here much longer.

3. Oh good, some vegeTABLES have opened up so we can sit down.

4.  I hope I don't VINAGRETTE my decision to eat here.

5. That was a really bad pun! CEASAR! (seize her)

6. Hey, do you think those people would LETTUCE cut in line?

7.  Man, it'll be a reLEAF when we finally order.

8. Ughhh this is taking so long I can feel myself cabbAGING.

9.  My brother hasn't woken up yet. He is in a coma...vegetable.

10. When we're done we're going to have to SPINACH back to the office.

Eventually, the staff and other patrons got so FED UP with our puns that we were TOSSED out.