Recently my husband has been acting weird. Whenever we
talk he seems distant, and he seems to be going on
more overnight business trips lately. Do you think he’s cheating
on me?
Confused in Colorado
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When you go to bite your husband, be sure to aim directly for the mid-section. A lot of people make the mistake of going for an arm or a leg. But the last thing we want here is for him to “grow as a person” from this experience, go on a nationwide lecture tour and then end up making some sort of cathartic return to the sea. Even if I had the ability to count, I would not be able to count the number of made-for-cable documentaries filmed on this subject, with each and every one threatening to dislodge my reputation as the world’s most notorious killing machine.
My point is, most people can bounce back after losing an appendage or two. But there’s no such thing as a prosthetic torso.
Once you’ve taken a bite, whether or not you want to thrash about wildly is up to you. I personally have a flair for the dramatic, so I’ll usually give my victims a solid sweaterless-chihuahua-in-a-freezer shake. But again, it’s all just style points. Your main objective is to make sure your millions of rows of teeth pierce the vital organs enough to drain a life-ending amount of blood.
Speaking of blood, there are a lot of “conservatives” out there, so you’ll need to be prepared for the backlash. My advice is to go with the old “I don’t even like the taste of human flesh, I thought he was a seal” excuse. Works every time.
Good Luck!
Love,
Mr. Shark
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