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The care and maintenance of your new Michael Bolton.

Congratulations on your new Michael Bolton! 

A Michael Bolton makes delightful addition to any family. But adopting a Michael Bolton isn't all just kisses and giggles and love ballads in denim.

It also comes with a great deal of responsibility. The following is a list of helpful pointers for the successful care and maintenance of your adorable new Michael Bolton:

1. DO NOT expose your Michael Bolton to bright light.

2. When walking outside, always be sure to keep your Michael Bolton on a leash. Otherwise, your Michael Bolton may run into traffic and get hit by a car, or bite a nearby child. 

3. When your Michael Bolton reaches sexual maturity, it will likely seduce all of your lady friends and mother. There is really nothing you can do about this, so when it inevitably occurs it's best to just retire to the living room and turn the TV up really loud.
 
4. If your Michael Bolton attempts to seduce you, however, you must remain strong. A solid defense is to puzzle it with the question "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?"

5. DO NOT get your Michael Bolton wet.

6. The maintenance of your Michael Bolton's hairstyle is a delicate exercise, much like the artful trimming of a bonsai tree. To make sure it is always "wind machine ready," be sure to have your Michael Bolton's hair freshly permed and professionally styled no less than once every 3 hours.

7. A Michael Bolton's hair does tend to shed, ALOT, so it's advisable to have a shop vac in every room of the house to avoid destructive hair tornadoes.

8.  If your Michael Bolton soils the carpet, immediately take your Michael Bolton outside to its designated "bathroom area." Michael Bolton's have little understanding of cause and effect, so rubbing your Michael Bolton's nose in its excrement will only serve to confuse your Michael Bolton and dirty its nose.

9. To trick you into getting what it wants, sometimes your Michael Bolton will tell you that it loves you. Do not be fooled. This is a LIE.


10. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, feed your Michael Bolton after midnight.

If you follow all these basic rules, you will surely have a rewarding and fun-filled relationship with your new Michael Bolton.

Sadly though, most Michael Bolton's only live about 8-10 years. When your Michael Bolton expires, it's customary to bury it in a shoebox in your backyard with a few kind words, then immediately replace it with a new Michael Bolton.