Steven Segallstones and Steve Buschemeerkats

Does it burn and feel like ponytail when you pee? If so, you might have a Steven Seagallstone.

Steve Buschemeerkats are small mammals that burrow underground and star in critically acclaimed HBO serieses.

Photoshop Trial

I downloaded a photoshop trial. I have 30 days to work on my amazing art. So far I've done this:

The care and maintenance of your new Michael Bolton.

Congratulations on your new Michael Bolton! 

A Michael Bolton makes delightful addition to any family. But adopting a Michael Bolton isn't all just kisses and giggles and love ballads in denim.

It also comes with a great deal of responsibility. The following is a list of helpful pointers for the successful care and maintenance of your adorable new Michael Bolton:

1. DO NOT expose your Michael Bolton to bright light.

2. When walking outside, always be sure to keep your Michael Bolton on a leash. Otherwise, your Michael Bolton may run into traffic and get hit by a car, or bite a nearby child. 

3. When your Michael Bolton reaches sexual maturity, it will likely seduce all of your lady friends and mother. There is really nothing you can do about this, so when it inevitably occurs it's best to just retire to the living room and turn the TV up really loud.
 
4. If your Michael Bolton attempts to seduce you, however, you must remain strong. A solid defense is to puzzle it with the question "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?"

5. DO NOT get your Michael Bolton wet.

6. The maintenance of your Michael Bolton's hairstyle is a delicate exercise, much like the artful trimming of a bonsai tree. To make sure it is always "wind machine ready," be sure to have your Michael Bolton's hair freshly permed and professionally styled no less than once every 3 hours.

7. A Michael Bolton's hair does tend to shed, ALOT, so it's advisable to have a shop vac in every room of the house to avoid destructive hair tornadoes.

8.  If your Michael Bolton soils the carpet, immediately take your Michael Bolton outside to its designated "bathroom area." Michael Bolton's have little understanding of cause and effect, so rubbing your Michael Bolton's nose in its excrement will only serve to confuse your Michael Bolton and dirty its nose.

9. To trick you into getting what it wants, sometimes your Michael Bolton will tell you that it loves you. Do not be fooled. This is a LIE.


10. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, feed your Michael Bolton after midnight.

If you follow all these basic rules, you will surely have a rewarding and fun-filled relationship with your new Michael Bolton.

Sadly though, most Michael Bolton's only live about 8-10 years. When your Michael Bolton expires, it's customary to bury it in a shoebox in your backyard with a few kind words, then immediately replace it with a new Michael Bolton.

Mr. Shark has a conversation with Santa

Dear Mr. Shark,
What do you want for Christmas?

 - Santa







------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh hey Santa.

First of all, thank you for asking and not just assuming I'd want a reindeer. My mother got me one last year...I didn't have the heart to tell her, (I'm not even sure sharks have hearts) but I've never really liked them. The meat is pretty gamey, and the antlers scratch my throat. And I won't even get into what they're like coming out the other end.

Anyway it was a big mess. I didn't have the original receipt, so when I tried to return it I could only get store credit.  There wasn't anything else I wanted at the reindeer store, so now I'm stuck with this dead deer I'll never use crammed in the back of my closet. Fortunately my closet is THE OCEAN, so there's plenty of room for it I suppose.

I'm not a big fan of elves either. You'd think they'd taste like candy, but they are also surprisingly gamey. And they get all in your teeth. Last time I ate one I spent the whole rest of the day flossing out their sticky little fingers.

As for what I do want, seals are always a good go-to. You can never have to many, kind of like socks.

Honestly though, what I'd really LOVE this Christmas is you. You're so festively plump...I'm just dying to sink my teeth into that bowl full of jelly.  Plus you eat cookies all the time so I bet your blood tastes like cinnamon. I know it's a lot to ask, but I've been good this year...as good as any bloodthirsty murderous predator of the sea can be, anyway.

All I can say is, if I find your delicious corpse under my tree Christmas morning, I'll be as giddy as a schoolgirl covered in dead puppies.

Love,
Mr. Shark

The pug collector

Hello relatives. So glad we could get together again for the holidays, that special time of year when you all compete to make the most inappropriate comment about my romantic life. From impossible
questions like “I know you're not dating anyone, but are you at least having sex?” to last year’s revelation that “an accident baby would be totally fine with us,” you never fail to keep me on my toes. But this year, I’m confident all the awkward remarks and emails of sperm donor profiles you think “look nice” are going to stop. Everyone gather ‘round please, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve started a family.

Hahaha! No, it’s not a family of cats. I’m not some kind of crazy person. Plus you know I’m allergic. They’re pug dogs!

At first I just had one for companionship, a little present I gave to myself on my 30th birthday. But since then, I’ve gone pug wild! After this month’s litter, our family will be 25 strong. Clearly with this many pugs in one household, kids are out of the question. But don’t worry mom, I assure you my little puggies are just as surprising, rewarding, and soothing to breastfeed as human children.

If you don’t believe me, just take a look at the adorable pillows they gave me for Mother’s Day! See the intricate cross-stitching? The thread was spun from all the fur they shed over the past year. Isn’t that sweet? Well, yes, obviously I did all the physical sewing myself, but they provided the delightful dog-isms. I couldn’t have come up with something like “I woof you very much” on my own! And just look at the charming misspellings and cute little backwards “e’s” (silly pugs don’t know the alphabet!)

Now I know what you’re thinking, “how do you keep coming up with names for all these snub-nosed angels?” It’s a simple formula really. My eldest, John, was of course named after my father (I think they have the same chin.) Successive pugs were named after my failed relationships, starting with Brooks Jackson, the middle school crush who made fun of my sticker collection and the fact that my boobs hadn’t grown in yet, all the way to Adventureguy72, the Match.com date who still hasn’t called (and also had no appreciation for my sticker collection.) When I ran out of ex-lovers I began naming them after television stars I find attractive (no chance I’ll run out of those, lol!)

And yes, the pugs are all male.  I find that females of any species always end up being jealous of me.

Anyway, let me pass around the photo album, I know you’re dying to see all my babies. Oh, and does anyone have a laptop? I want to show you guys the hilarious home video we made last Saturday night. It’s based on my personal strength idol Fergie and her hit song “Fergalicious.” Hugh Laurie, my rascally middle child, had the great idea to change the words to “pugalicious.” We already had plenty of costumes, so we decided to record a little music video. What a hoot!  Let’s all watch
it together. Don’t be embarrassed dad, the first time I saw it I laughed so hard I cried too!

Ok, I’ll get down from the table now. I guess this has been a pretty long toast, and you guys look like you need to start drinking.

Cheers and Happy Howlidays everyone!

Top 5 things to do with my recently extracted wisdom teeth.

1. Hide them in a co-worker's sandwich. When they take a bite, yell "IT BIT YOU BACK!"

2. Wear them on a necklace and tell everyone they belong to people I've killed (seems a little cliche though.)

3. Mail them to an ex-boyfriend I haven't spoken to in years with no explanation or return address.

4. Carve an entire set of baby teeth from them, and donate to a baby in need.

5. Stocking stuffers!

A 15-year word itch

One day in middle school, my friends Amy, Lauren and I were outside and noticed something like this: 

"Look at that stupid bird, it's all puffed up. I think it is trying to intimidate us."


"Yes, yes, birds do that, they puff up to look intimidating.  There's a word for it....I can't think of the word."

We discussed the issue for a while (possibly for hours), but could not come up with the word.  We figured that surely one of us would think of it eventually, probably hours later in bed or something, and we'd all know the answer by morning.

"The answer is Garfinkel, hooray!"

Unfortunately, the aha! moment never happened...

(did not happen)

Since then, this mysterious avian jargon has pecked relentlessly at the back our brains, causing the annoyance to swell very much like a bird trying to look intimidating.  We've done numerous internet searches, watched nature documentaries and even consulted bird experts at the zoo, all to no avail.  Once, at a raging Georgia Tech house party, Amy and I spent an entire evening thumbing through an Audubon Society bird encyclopedia.  It's been fairly ridiculous.

Today, Amy will be looking at a couple of new phones at the phone store.  She's planning on asking the Iphone Siri what the word is for when birds puff up to look intimidating.  I've been thinking about getting this phone too. My decision will be based 100% on whether or not it delivers the correct answer to the age-old question..."What the f@&k is this bird doing?!?!"