Hey Mr. Shark,
What kind of swimsuit do you think would make me look most appetizing on the beach?
Sincerely,
Tits McGee
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Dear Tits McGee,
First off, are you trying to be eaten, or is this some sort of
lust thing? Pardon my confusion, I really only relate to bloodlust, not
sexy-type lust. The stuff I do lasts like a minute tops. My species might even
avoid the whole intercourse issue and just lay eggs or divide into pieces like
a sponge…I’m not really sure. We usually don’t have much time for things that
don’t involve smelling blood, maniacally tracking the source of blood, and
devouring flesh that blood is seeping from.
Anywhooo, to answer your bathing suit question, I’d go for
something that clings to the body and shows off your assets/allows you to swim
rapidly and hunt prey. I’d also avoid anything with ruffles because they’ll
make you look fat.
As for the color, I’d go with something close to the color
of water so your victims don’t see you coming.
Something blue or grey or bluish grey works best…whatever is most
flattering against your sleek, hairless, blue or grey or bluish grey skin.
Or if you plan on hiding in the sand to surprise your prey,
there are also some good sand-colored options out there. I got a pretty cute
one at Pacific Sunwear last weekend. And
yes, I realize that this store is on land. But remember, you’re taking fashion
advice from an imaginary shark on a 30-year-old woman’s blog, so how I got a
ride to the mall is probably one of the smaller plot holes in your life.
Anyway that’s what I’d recommend. And if you can’t find
anything like I’ve described, just get something that makes your cans look
good.
Love always,
Mr. Shark
