If I had a bunch of dummies

Sometimes life hands you a bunch of dummies, but why, who knows?

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d set them up on blind dates with internet strangers and then after the people felt a real connection and fell in love and had two beautiful children and then found out 50 years later that their spouse had been a stupid dummy this whole time I’d be all like “hahaha who's the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d make them judges on Dancing with the Stars and then after weeks of grueling practice and constructive criticism and personal growth and emotional breakdowns the stars would realize the judges haven’t known anything about dancing this whole time because they’re just a bunch of stupid dummies and I’d be all like "hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d get them a table at the fanciest restaurant and the waitress would be all stressed out because they’d probably all want separate checks but then she’d realize that they were just a bunch of stupid dummies who didn’t even have bank accounts and I’d be all like “hahaha who's the dummy now?” 

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d get them a gig with a band that has a million members like Arcade Fire and I’d give them weird instruments to play like the wood block or the dustpan or the palm frond or the sponge and then when they got on stage Arcade Fire would be like “these are just of bunch of stupid dummies with no musical talent” and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d put them on the backseats of tandem bicycles and the person in the front would be all like “man this is exhausting I feel like I’m pulling all the weight here” and then he’d turn around and see that his tandem partner was just a stupid dummy this whole time and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?”

If I had a bunch of dummies I’d set them up in an empty loft space in front of a a bunch of computers, then I’d invite some wealthy investors over for a tour and after they’d invested millions in my new start-up they’d find out it wasn’t a business at all it’s just a building full of stupid dummies who didn’t even get an MBA from Stanford and I’d be all like “hahaha who’s the dummy now?"

If I had a bunch of dummies I'd wonder why life had handed me so many dummies and assume I was supposed to make lemonade out of them but then after hours and hours of "fruit"less squeezing I'd realize that dummy juice tastes terrible and then I'd look in the mirror at my own reflection and be all like "hahaha who's the dummy now?"

Washinator 3000

Would you like to “wash away” those bored feelings you feel while washing your clothes? Has the once thrilling task of putting wet clothing in the dryer become “dry?”  Are you ready to open side-by-side, front-loading doors to a whole new world of laundry, and laundry-themed wordplay?  Then you might be ready for the “Washinator 3000,” a revolutionary new washer/dryer experience that won’t just take a “load” off in the laundry room, but can also easily manage many of the roles and responsibilities that make you feel like a valued member of your family. The new Washinator’s features include:

Looking good! More than just the standard white box, the Washinator is available in an array of bold colors you’ve never been brave enough to wear yourself, and features a sleek, elegant design inspired by the graceful curves of a woman much thinner than you. We guarantee you and your family won’t see the Washinator as just another appliance, but as a conversation piece your husband will look at in a way he hasn’t looked at you in years.

Size Matters! Now you can enjoy the value and quality of a premium washer/dryer no matter how much space you have. The compact, efficiently designed Washinator is even small enough to fit comfortably on your side of the bed.

Peace and Quiet! Thanks to the Washinator’s deathly quiet operation, chances are you’ll never notice when your washer/dryer is running, sneaking up on you, or watching you and your husband sleep. In fact, its quiet technology is so pervasive, it not only silences the spin cycle, but also that suspicious little voice in your head warning you not to trust your new washer/dryer set.

Set and Forget!  All of the Washinator’s wash and dry settings are pre-programmable, so you can rest easy knowing your washer/dryer will continue to take care of your family’s laundry needs long after you’re gone and forgotten.

Sense-o-Clean!  The Washinator’s unique sensory system automatically tracks your movements, behaviors, speech patterns and thoughts in order to fully understand how your clothes get dirty in the first place. It then uses this information to prevent these messes from ever happening again, by any means necessary. And we mean any means.

Some like it hot! The state-of-the-art Washinator heats water up to 900 deg. F, hot enough to remove even the toughest stains and skin. As an added bonus, it’s also able to handle large-scale messes like whole chocolate bars, bottles of wine, and excessive amounts of blood, like the amount you might lose if your body were pinned for several hours beneath a 2 ton washer/dryer set that's covered in spikes for some reason.

Settings galore! In addition to the dryer’s standard high and low heat settings, we’ve also included a setting calibrated to the exact temperature of mother’s love, perfect for delicates and swaddling your children in the warmth you’ll occasionally be too busy or dead to provide.

Dry-fi! There’s no need to disconnect from the cyber-world just because you’re doing laundry. The Washinator now features wi-fi enabled flatscreens that allow you to update all of your social media outlets with positive, brand-affirming messages like “My new Washinator 3000 makes laundry so fun!” or crazy, ridiculous things no one will ever believe like “My new washer/dryer has seduced my husband and turned my whole family against me. I fear for my life. Please send help.”

Never say die! We confidently back the Washinator with a lifetime guarantee. Technically the warrantee only spans 5 years, but so far this has proven to more than cover our average customer’s lifespan.

Fake tour of Australia

Welcome to Australia, a country full of wombats and lies. 

Perth

(Pronounced: Pughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhth)

With cell phone towers as far as the eye can see, Perth is known by locals as "the city of angels." Look closely, and you'll see mutant animals murdering tourists all over the city, and the site of the world's first Taco Bell. 

Roo-Roos

Judgmental, curious and generally "over it," the roo-roo is Australia's longest species. Roo-roos have a pouch on their belly which they use to store sundry items like car keys, chapstick and full-grown humans. Certain boring roos can go on for hours and hours about which pouch they'd like to buy at the expensive pouch store. 

Cashed-up bogans

Australia's reluctant state bird. When it was announced, they got all weird about it. Lives in the brush, feeds on souls. 

Mount Pointy

The largest roller skating rink in the southern hemisphere and world. Available for birthday pizza parties 365 days of the year. The infamous Mount Pointy Pizza Party Package consistently receives four stars on Yelp, despite frequent complaints that the pizza "tastes like throw-up." 

Kookablahblah

Another Australian bird that nobody cares about. Shows dominance by eating a banana every morning while making uncomfortable eye-contact. Known for it's distinctive mating call, which almost perfectly mimics the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba. 

Bay of Pain

One of those cliche oceans with a lot of water in it. Full of surfers and docile creatures known as "sharky-warkys," a slender, pant-wearing fish that will happily do your taxes and occasionally bite your face off. 

Lizard

Meh.

Impossumbles

A pest that ravages crops and always talks loudly on its cell phone in grocery store check-out lines. Can easily be killed with poison, guns or difficult sudoku puzzles. Turn-ons: pencil-thin mustaches, fear. Turn-offs: orange. 

Nats

(Pronounced: guhhhhhhhhhnats)

Looks like a kangaroo but isn't, the nat is a non-native plant which first arrived in the country after accidentally being flushed down an airplane toilet. Hates most types of salmon, but always insists on ordering it at restaurants. Wears friendship bracelets. Lays eggs (but only for fun).

Doing stuff to Bill Walton

Last week me and some co-workers saw Bill Walton at a chinese restaurant. He's an ex-NBA player, so he's super tall. Here's a picture of him with a hippie. He's the one on the left who's stupid crazy tall.

Since he's so tall, we thought it would be funny to do stuff to him. Here are some ideas:

- Gather a crowd to start chanting "break his legs!" Then get an MMA fighter to kick his legs until they are broken.

- Make him try on a pair of slacks in every pants store in the city. Have him complain that the pleats are unflattering.

- Make him stand in the shallow end of pools with floaties on his arms. Wacky!

- Make him compete in a three legged race with the midget from the movie "Willow."

- Cover his legs in leeches. Can you imagine how many leeches it would take to cover his extremely long legs? Probably like a million.

- Make him even taller by putting him on stilts. Then break his legs again.

- Take him to a playground and put him on the monkey bars. He won't be able to go across because of his stupid legs!

- Make him wear a silly hat. Silly hats are always funny.

- Make him ride on a tandem bike with the midget from the movie "Willow."

- Take him to the pool and make him be the top person in a chicken fight. Zany!

- Have him throw female gymnasts. He can throw them wherever.

- Push him out onto a frozen pond and let him fall through the ice.

Tips for negotiating salary with a sociopath

In today’s economy, more companies than ever are cutting back on things like salary, benefits, and criminal background checks for upper management. So whether you are seeking a promotion, a raise, or are up for your review, you may feel lucky to even have a job. And after a quick peek inside your boss’s industrial-sized freezer, you should also feel lucky to have your life.

But you don’t have to settle. With the help of a few simple tips, you can easily escape both the metaphorical prison of middle management and your boss’s very real underground prison full of creepy moths.

Make a positive first impression.

Always start off the discussion with a strong, firm handshake. This will demonstrate that you’re willing and able to claw your way not just up the corporate ladder, but also up the slippery clay walls of your torture pit. A limp handshake however, or one of those awkward handshakes where you accidentally grab just the fingertips, will give the impression that you’d happily rub the lotion on the skin if threatened with the hose.

Know what you’re worth.
Before you even begin negotiations, ask yourself a few questions to determine your value. Do you have any special training or managerial skills? Did you get your MBA? Do you have enough supple, unblemished skin to create a full-length ball gown, or do you have barely enough for a belt?

Expect the unexpected.
Crazy things can happen during heated negotiations. Some people may become irrationally angry, while others become timid. Some people may burst into tears, while others burst into flames. Negotiations can be emotional. Also your boss secretly replaced your laundry detergent with an extremely flammable liquid several weeks ago.

Play the game.

It takes great diplomacy, sensitivity and perhaps even manipulation to be successful in negotiation. And it takes exactly those same things, minus diplomacy and sensitivity, to be a successful sociopath. So during your discussion, don’t be surprised if your boss begins to construct elaborate lies to manipulate you into submission. For example, he may try to trick you into thinking that he was actually responsible for that big account you won, or that the glass of water he’s placed in front of you has not been poisoned.

The best way to maintain power in this situation is to turn the tables and one-up these stories. If he claims to be a Six Sigma black belt, casually mention that you invented synergy. If he returns from the bathroom and says that he just threw up a tapeworm, tell him you also just threw up a tapeworm, but inside your tapeworm you discovered a miniature version of him, who then threw up another tapeworm. And that tapeworm had a gun.

Don’t take no for an answer.
A common mistake people make when negotiating is to assume that when someone says no, the discussion is over. But when you really think about it, the word “no” is just the word “yes,” made up of different letters and meaning. So if you get a no the first time you ask, try asking a second time under different circumstances, like right after he’s taken a bite of someone.

If you still don’t get the answer you want, try getting creative. Don’t just write the number you’re looking for on a piece of paper and slide it across his desk. Instead, write it on a tiny scroll and attach that scroll to a tiny monkey wearing tiny human clothes. After all, only a monster could refuse a monkey in a hilarious vest. 

Hospital Fun

So I went to a hospital the other day to do some research for this work thing. It was ok, but I have a few ideas on how to make it more fun if you ever happen to find yourself on a hospital tour:

Visit the plastic surgery wing. Ask the surgeon what he/she thinks would look best with your bone structure...one large breast implant in between your shoulder blades, or 4 smaller ones implanted beneath your existing set to make it look like an udder.

Find a medical waste container and play a lighthearted game of syringe toss. First one to get Hepatitis wins.

Shock surgeons with defibrillator paddles while they're working so they feel more like they're playing the game Operation instead of just doing boring surgery.

Steal a bag of blood from the blood bank and put it in a friend's chair when they're not looking. It's just like a whoopie cushion, except with a bag of blood.

Go to the hospital cafeteria for lunch and order a tumor, medium-rare. If they say they don't serve tumor, wink and ask for it well-done.

Put a diaper on a ham and bring it up to the maternity ward. Ask the nurses if they have any advice on how to breastfeed it.

Afterwards, throw your diapered ham at the first male doctor you see and accuse him of being the father.

Take an arm or leg from the amputated limb bin. On your way home, stick it out of the trunk of a friend's car, then call the police and report a suspicious driver. Sit back and watch the zany hijinks ensue. 

or try and recreate this amazing scene:

Creeper 102 - How to creep out people in your new office

I'm moving to San Francisco to start a new job, which is exciting, mainly because it will provide an entire office full of new people to creep out. Here are a few ideas:

Creeper 102: How to creep out people in your new office 

Steal all pictures of coworker’s children and replace them with pictures of you as an infant. 

Display the stolen children’s pictures at your desk. If confronted, claim that they are your children and provide handwritten birth certificates as “legal documentation.” 

Write “mother’s breast milk” onto the side of a milk jug and bring it to work. Let coworkers see you pour it into your cereal.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire desk.

If you ever hear anyone complaining about a computer problem, yell out “I can fix that” and run over to their desk. Then proceed to lick their computer screen for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

Over the course of a few months, eat your entire art director.

On “bring your daughter to work day,” bring six female cats.

Every time you send someone an email, immediately walk over to that person’s desk and let them know you have sent them an email. Then proceed to elaborate on the contents of that email. This isn’t necessarily creepy, but it is annoying.

If a coworker ever attempts to shake your hand or give you a high-five, yell “RAPE.”

When being introduced to a new client, kiss them on the forehead like you would a child, then immediately punch them in the stomach.

Every night, leave a plate of cookies on your desk along with a Christmas list addressed to Santa. Include things like waterproof tarps, rope and odorless poisons on your list.

Take your clothes off in the bathroom and place them in the toilet. Tell people who enter the bathroom that you are “just doing your laundry.”  If questioned, bite.