Rejected Shiner names

We're working on a naming project for a new Shiner Wheat beer. The following names were rejected, despite obvious merit: 

Shiner Aggravated Reap

Shiner Reap Shed

Shiner Serial Reapist

Shiner Wheat Power

Shiner Wheat Supremacist

Shiner Walter Wheat

Shiner Limp Handshake

Shiner Hairless Pervert

Shiner Adult Tickle

Shiner Awkward Massage

Shiner Lazy Colon

Shiner Eyelid

Shiner Aggressive Tumor

Shiner Ingrown Toenail

Shiner Weeping Boil

Back on Dynasty

I just started watching Dynasty again after about a year of not watching it..so far it has been the best decision I've made in about a year.

Things that are happening:

1. Krystle Jennings Carrington - the second wife of wealthy oil tycoon Blake Carrington

Krystle continues to be as interesting as a pencil while also resembling one physically. In fact, she could be replaced by an actual pencil in any given scene and the only difference you'd notice is that she's dressed in yellow more frequently. The pencil would always be wearing the same color head to toe though, so it wouldn't be much of a departure from her current character.

Indistinguishable.

2. Mark Jennings - Krystle's recently introduced ex-husband

Alexis is stirring things up by bringing Krystle's ex-husband onto the scene to be the hotel's new tennis pro. He shows up sporting the fail-proof sexual formula of exposed chest hair and a mustache. So far he hasn't done anything terribly interesting besides making a mediocre attempt to get his old pencil-woman back with a stupid locket. I have high hopes for the future though...in the opening credits he is pictured rubbing a glass of red wine against an anonymous sexy leg.  It is only a matter of time before he and this leg engage in passionate lovemaking near a fireplace. 

3. Adam Carrington - the long-lost brother

My favorite new development is the introduction of Adam, the long lost Carrington brother who was stolen as a baby and is now evil for no apparent reason. He's only been in a couple of episodes and he's already kind of raped a woman and tried to kill a guy he just met by painting the walls of his office with poison-laced paint.

4. Alexis Carrington Colby - Blake Carrington's ex-wife

Alexis, as always, continues to be fabulous. I read a spoiler that in a couple of episodes there will be a catfight between her and Krystle in a lily pond. Can't wait for shit to get real.

That new monkey is just Nicholas Cage

Scientists claim to have discovered a new species of monkey in the Congo. But when you take a closer look, it's easy to see that it's not a new monkey at all, it is just Nicholas Cage. 

The evidence is overwhelming: 

Pugs on everything

I want science to invent these animals: 

 Puglet

 Puguin

Galapugos Tortise

Pugda Bear

Creeper 101

My roommate is moving out this month, and the new one is only going to be living here for 3 months. Since it's such a short time I figure I might as well see how much I can creep her out. Suggestions are welcome. Here are a few ideas my creep co-worker Derek and I have come up with:


Buy a bunch of books about menopause and lay them out as coffee table books.

Every day, yell at her from the shower asking her to get me a bar of soap.

Spell out her name in my hair on her soap.

Spell out my name in Noodle's hair on her pillow. 

Tell her I talked to her dad for a few hours on the phone, and that he's coming to stay for the weekend. After he was obviously not there, say we had a really good time. Do this every weekend.

Leave medicine bottles labeled "anti-suicide pills" laying around. Accuse her of taking them.

If she ever has friends over, shake their hands then kiss them directly on the mouth.

Stock the dvd shelf with with only copies of the movies "Beethoven," "Beethoven's 2nd," "Beethoven's 3rd," "Beethoven's 4th," "Beethoven's 5th," "Beethoven's Big Break," and "Beethoven's Christmas Adventure." Add one with a handwritten cover that says "Beethoven and Katie: coming soon."

Get a boombox. Play recordings of men loudly weeping every night before bed. If she asks about it, tell her it's one of those sound machines that helps you sleep.

Ask her if she'll be my surrogate over email. Tell her I've already talked to her dad about being the donor. If she brings it up in person act like she's crazy, but continue to follow-up via email.

Chew up any vegetables she buys and spit them back into the original containers.

Leave a bunch of to-do lists laying around that only say "Watch Beethoven 1-6" over and over.

Insist she take a pregnancy test every month. Say it's because the apartment is very picky about how many people are living here and that there have been issues in the past.

Evolution of man

Scientists are always trying to figure out how modern society evolved from early man. But it's pretty obvious how it happened: prehistoric life sucked and early man was over it.

"Nature is so boring. Let's go inside and do something cool like invent the parking ticket."

"Ugh, this prehistoric cat keeps eating our friends. Let's adopt a puggle instead."

"This cave is totally played out. Plus, someone drew stupid antelopes all over the walls. Let's move into a gated community."

"These mammoths smell like butts wrapped in wet sweaters. Let's invent Glade plug-ins that smell like fresh linens and other pleasant shit."

"Nah, we're cool bro, we had stick for lunch. We're gonna go hit up the Taco Bell."

Man Geddes

Remember that lady who use to shove babies into flower pots and take pictures of them? This is just like that, but with MEN.

I don't think these two are going to get along when they grow up, but they look totes adorbs here. 

Why buy cage-free eggs when you can get delicious Nicolas Cage eggs. 

I don't know that it's safe to put your baby on a pile of fiberglass insulation.

Every time a Gary Buseyangel screams, a pound of cocaine is born.