Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Evolution of man

Scientists are always trying to figure out how modern society evolved from early man. But it's pretty obvious how it happened: prehistoric life sucked and early man was over it.



















"Nature is so boring. Let's go inside and do something cool like invent the parking ticket."

















"Ugh, this prehistoric cat keeps eating our friends. Let's adopt a puggle instead."



















"This cave is totally played out. Plus, someone drew stupid antelopes all over the walls. Let's move into a gated community."

















"These mammoths smell like butts wrapped in wet sweaters. Let's invent Glade plug-ins that smell like fresh linens and other pleasant shit."


















"Nah, we're cool bro, we had stick for lunch. We're gonna go hit up the Taco Bell."

Monday, June 25, 2012

Man Geddes


Remember that lady who use to shove babies into flower pots and take pictures of them? This is just like that, but with MEN.


I don't think these two are going to get along when they grow up, but they look totes adorbs here. 




Why buy cage-free eggs when you can get delicious Nicolas Cage eggs. 



I don't know that it's safe to put your baby on a pile of fiberglass insulation.


Every time a Gary Buseyangel screams, a pound of cocaine is born.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Mr. Shark offers summer fashion advice to Tits McGee


Hey Mr. Shark,
What kind of swimsuit do you think would make me look most appetizing on the beach?

Sincerely,
Tits McGee

 



 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tits McGee,
First off, are you trying to be eaten, or is this some sort of lust thing? Pardon my confusion, I really only relate to bloodlust, not sexy-type lust. The stuff I do lasts like a minute tops. My species might even avoid the whole intercourse issue and just lay eggs or divide into pieces like a sponge…I’m not really sure. We usually don’t have much time for things that don’t involve smelling blood, maniacally tracking the source of blood, and devouring flesh that blood is seeping from.

Anywhooo, to answer your bathing suit question, I’d go for something that clings to the body and shows off your assets/allows you to swim rapidly and hunt prey. I’d also avoid anything with ruffles because they’ll make you look fat.

As for the color, I’d go with something close to the color of water so your victims don’t see you coming.  Something blue or grey or bluish grey works best…whatever is most flattering against your sleek, hairless, blue or grey or bluish grey skin.

Or if you plan on hiding in the sand to surprise your prey, there are also some good sand-colored options out there. I got a pretty cute one at Pacific Sunwear last weekend.  And yes, I realize that this store is on land. But remember, you’re taking fashion advice from an imaginary shark on a 30-year-old woman’s blog, so how I got a ride to the mall is probably one of the smaller plot holes in your life.

Anyway that’s what I’d recommend. And if you can’t find anything like I’ve described, just get something that makes your cans look good. 

Love always,
Mr. Shark

Monday, May 21, 2012

Salad pun lunch


Today me and some co-workers had lunch at this place called Leaf. The salad was ok, but the salad puns we came up with in line were exquisite.

This stock photo is entitled "Handsome young man eating a salad."

Here are the 10 best ones:
1. This line is unbeLEAFable.

2. They really need to hurry up, we can't ROMAINE here much longer.

3. Oh good, some vegeTABLES have opened up so we can sit down.

4.  I hope I don't VINAGRETTE my decision to eat here.

5. That was a really bad pun! CEASAR! (seize her)

6. Hey, do you think those people would LETTUCE cut in line?

7.  Man, it'll be a reLEAF when we finally order.

8. Ughhh this is taking so long I can feel myself cabbAGING.

9.  My brother hasn't woken up yet. He is in a coma...vegetable.

10. When we're done we're going to have to SPINACH back to the office.

Eventually, the staff and other patrons got so FED UP with our puns that we were TOSSED out.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

More fake animals

Sinead O'possum

Tony Hawktopus

SEAL Seal (I can't believe this isn't on the internet already)

Thursday, February 23, 2012